- AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He
received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's
lacking intelligence.
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- Police in Oakland, California spent
two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give
himself up.
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- An Illinois man pretending to have a
gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his
own bank accounts.
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- A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia
received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy
last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher."
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- A student in Belle, West Virginia was
suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School
principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy!
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- Fire investigators on Maui have determined
the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short
in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This
is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when
someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
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- A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas
Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently,
the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
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- In Ohio, an unidentified man in his
late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding
from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help
him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked
to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with
a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and
find the missing brain.
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- In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless
man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people.
"There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If
I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."
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- Police in Los Angeles had good luck
with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give
me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not
what I said!"
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- A bank robber in Virginia Beach got
a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded
in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down
the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen
hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with
an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody.
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- In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King
was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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