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Top 10 different Things If The Apostles Were Gay
Bell Ringer Wanted
Canonical List of Oxymorons
Barbie Fights Back
Strange Images
Accountant Humor
A Priest And A Nun...
A Visit From St. Nicholas

The CAT User's Manual
English Notices From Around The World
1997 Darwin Awards
Special High Intensity Training

Top 10 things that would be different if
the 12 Apostles had been gay
10. The Last Supper would have been a brunch.
9.The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they ..."
8. The Triumphal Entry screams for a drag number.
7. The water at the wedding feast of Canna would not have been changed to wine but to extra dry Bombay Sapphire martini straight up and dirty.
6. The temple would not have been cleansed of money changers, just redecorated.
5. Mary's hair would have been immaculate.
4. The Gospels would be Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Bruce.
3. Priests would have affairs with altar boys ...wait....never mind.
2. Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
1. The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.


Bell Ringer Wanted
After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.
The Bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell again, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death on the street below.
The stunned Bishop rushed down the stairway of the belfrey. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the Bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell..."
(O.K... stop laughing for a second. The joke continues...)
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless companologist {now there's an answer to a trivia question}, the Bishop continued his interviews for the new bellringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death for this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
This Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at this chest and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught Bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Canonical List of Oxymorons
Posted on Rec.Humor By: Daniel Macks
Archived By: Derek Cashman

"Anarchy rules!"
"Free with purchase"
"Happy Monday"
"Never generalize"
"One size fits all"
"Slow children" (sign with a picture of a running child)
"Thank God I'm an Atheist"
"This page intentionally left blank"
A little big
Academic sorority
Accordion music
Accurate stereotype
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Aerobic exercise
Affirmative action, equal opportunity
Affordable housing
Aging yuppie
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
American beer
American chop suey
American culture
American education
American English
American geographers
American history
American Honda
Apple tech support
Arms limitation
Art student
Artificial intelligence
Athletic scholarship
Australian spelling
Automated data processing
Back to the future
Bad health
Baker's dozen (submitted by: Guy Caballero (mczaja@sdcc8.ucsd.fu))
Balding hair
Bankrupt millionaire
Beginning Finnish
Better than new
Black light
Boring orgasm
Brave politician
British fashion
Budget deficit
Bug free code
Business ethics
Cafeteria food
California culture
California expressway
Canadian culture
Casual intimacy
Central Intelligence Agency
Centrally-planned economy
Cheerful pessimist
Christian education
Christian militia
Christian Scientists
Church of Scientology
Civil engineer
Civil servant
Civil libertarian
Civil war
Classic rock & roll
Clean dirt
Clean hack
Clearly confused
Clearly misunderstood
Clinton leadership
Coca-Cola Foods
Coed fraternity/sorority
Collective liberty
College algebra
College education
Colored music
Committee schedule
Committee decision
Common sense
Communist Party
Completely unfinished
Compulsory volunteering
Computer science
Computer jock
Computer security
Congressional action
Congressional ethics
Congressional hearing
Congressional oversight
Conservative Democrat
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Construction worker
Convenience store
Cooperative multitasking
Corporate planning
Cost effective
Country music
Courtesy towing
Creation science
Curved line
Customer satisfaction
CNN style
Debugged program
Debutante ball
Decent lawyer
Definite maybe
Degradable plastic
Democratic Congress
Department of the Interior
Desktop publishing
Diet ice cream
Dining hall food
Disco music
Down escalator/elevator
Dress pants
Driving pleasure
Dry beer
Dry ice
Dry wine
DOS operating system
Economic reform
Electroshock therapy
English syntax
Enquiring minds
Environmentalist bumper sticker
Ergonomic keyboard
European Community
Evolutionary fact
Exact estimate
Executive decision
Express bus
Express mail
Fair reporting
Fair trial
Fallout shelter
Family entertainment
Fast food
Federal budget
Fighting for peace
Final version
First annual
First-strike defense
Flexible freeze
Football scholarship
Forth programming language
Found missing
Free election
Free electron laser
Free love (submitted by: Guy Cabellero (mczaja@sdcc8.ucsd.fu))
Freezer burn
French culture
Fresh frozen
Friendly advice
Friendly competitor
Friendly fire
Full-length bikini
Full service
Functional manager
Funny clean joke
Fuzzy logic
Gay drill sergeant
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Good mother-in-law
Good Alan Rudolph film
Government aid/assistance
Government efficiency
Government integrity
Government organization
Graduate student
Great Britain
Guest host
Gunboat diplomacy
Half dead
Happily married
Hard disk
Hard water
Hazardous waste disposal
Helicopter flight
Higher education
Holy Roman Empire
Holy War
Honest crook
Honest politician
House Ethics Committee
Huge market niche
Human evolution
Indecent exposure
Industrial park
Institutional Revolutionary Party
Intelligent lifeforms
Internal Revenue Service
IBM compatible
Journalistic accuracy
Journalistic integrity
Jumbo shrimp
Just in Time (JIT)
Justice Rehnquist
Justice Thomas
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Kosher ham
Lace-up loafers
Lebanese government
Legal brief
Legal ethics
Legally drunk
Liberal Party (conservative)
Liberal, Kansas
Liquid crystal
Literal interpretation
Living dead
Long Island Expressway
Male compassion
Management science
Management support
Management action
Management style
Marketing strategy
Married life
Martial law
Math teacher
Mature student
McDonalds dinner
Meatless hamburger
Medicaid payment
Medical ethics
Microsoft Works
Middle East peace process
Military intelligence
Militart justice
Military peace
Modified final judgement
Moral Majority
Mutual attraction
Mutually exclusive
Necessary meeting
New Classic
New Democrat
New Mexico
Nice cat
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-denominational church
Nonworking mother
Now, then
Nuclear defense
Objective parent
Oddly appropriate
Operating system
Operation Rescue
Pacific Ocean
Paperless office
Partly pregnant
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace officer
PeaceMaker missile
People's Democratic Republic Of Yemen
Personal computer
Petty cash
Philosophy science
Plastic glasses
Plastic silverware
Pocket calculator
Police protection
Polite cabbie
Political leadership
Political science
Politically correct
Poor Republican
Pop art
Portable standard Lisp
Postal Service
Pot luck
Practical logic
Precision bombing
Presidential promises
Pretty ugly
Private e-mail
Productivity committee
Professional courtesy
Progressive Conservative
Proprietary standard
Psychiatric care
Public school education
Quality assurance
Quality service
Quebec intellectual
Quick fix
Quick reboot
R & D
Rap music
Rapid transit
Rare steak
Reagan memoirs
Real fantasy
Realistic schedule
Realtime computing
Reasonable female
Recently new
Reckless caution
Red Indians
Relativistic correction
Religious education
Religious fact
Religious tolerance
Religious science
Republican initiative
Resident alien
Responsible committee
Restrained grandparent
Rolling stop
Rush hour
Russian economy
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Satisfied Democrat
Saving price
Savings & loan
School food
School vacation
Scottish Danish (actual pastry sold at 7-11)
Second best
Sedate sex
Semi truck
Semi-boneless ham
Senate Ethics Committee
Sensitive male
Severely/slightly killed
Silent scream
Small crowd
Smart bomb
Smart drugs
Social Security
Social science
Socialist Worker
Soft rock
Software documentation
Software engineering
Solid glass
Southern justice
Spare rib
Speed limit
Sports sedan
Stealth bomber
Straight hook
Strawberry Blond
Student athlete
Student teacher
Summer school
Suburban culture
Supporting documentation
Sweet sorrow
Swiss Steak
Synthetic natural gas
Tame cat
Taped live
Tax return
Television critic
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Terminal initialization
Tight slacks
Tone color
Total Quality Management (TQM)
True gossip
True story
Unbiased journalism
Unbiased news reports
Unbiased opinion
Unbiased predisposition
Uncontested divorce
Understanding banker
Understanding Unix
Union workers
United States
University of Nevada at Las Vegas
Unix prompt
Unix security
Unsalted Saltines
Urban planning
User friendliness
User-friendly war
Vegetable beef soup
Ventura Freeway
Violent agreement
Virtual reality
Voting power
Waiting patiently
War games
War hero
Wilderness management
Windows NT (New Technology)
Wonder Bread
Woods Metal
Working vacation
Work Party
Young Floridian
Yummy sushi
10K fun run
12-ounce pound cake
6502-based computer

Barbie Fights Back

From Skye Turell


Mattel Inc.
El Segundo, CA
Attn: Chief Executive Officer
Dear Sir,
Listen, you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to you, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm going to call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it). So, here's my resolution/request list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec! 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10.Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.
OK, Mr. CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie Pink Dreamhouse
|Malibu, CA

~~Reply from the CEO of Mattel~~
Dear Ms. Barbie:
Thanks for your lurid tell-all letter. I do, however, take issue with a number of your points, as follows: 1. I made you everything you are today you ungrateful little wench. You'd be nothing without me! Plastic pellets on the factory floor. A trash bag. GI Joe's left testicle. I made you and I can unmake you if I want. 2. Nylon and Velcro crawling up you butt? That's nothing compared to the IRS, FTC, and the US Child Safety Board crawling up MY butt. I'd be grateful for a little velcro if I were you. Besides, at least your plastic butt looks as good today as it did when you were twenty. You ought to look at mine sometime. 3. You want real underwear that little kids can pull on and off? That's just plain obscene. We believe in family values around here, you pedophile. 4. Exactly which Joe do you want? Hair color? Uniform style? Could you please be a little more specific? Or is every guy in a uniform just another Joe to you? Real sensitive, aren't you? Ken's an enlightened, considerate male in touch with his feelings, but all you want is some beef cake with kung fu grip. Hooray. A real step forward for both men's and the women's movement. 5. Bendable arms and breast reduction, of course. Couldn't possibly be happy with your body as it is, could you. You've got the one body that every man, and most women wish they could have, but NO, it's not good enough. Well I've got 356 employees in my building with such bad carpel tunnel that they can't bend their arms either, but hey, I don't hear them complaining, busty. 6. A sports bra? Great. We burned your blasted sports bra back in the seventies. 7. Just what the heck is wrong with being a teacher? We need more teachers in this world, and if you had only applied yourself even just a little bit, you could have been a professor by now. Just what have you been doing all this time? 8. Only schizophrenics and psychotics change their personas each decade. Besides, you're retro, for crying out loud. Your early sixties personality is back in style. Hello?
Listen up you ungrateful, money grabbing rags-to-riches harlot. I'm the CEO of this company, and I'm a woman, damn it. If you want to start bucking the stereotypes, start by not assuming that every money loving, greedy CEO perpetrator is a man, because we're not.
Now get out of my face before I feed you to the Cabbage Patch snacking doll monster.
Jill Berad
CEO Mattel Inc.

Accountant Humor
What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an auditor? Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road? Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

A Priest and a Nun...
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said,
"Father, I'm still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

Strange Images...

Image by Dave Malone

A Visit from St. Nicholas...
For Readers in Their 23rd Year of Schooling

From Skye Turell
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandize extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituents, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."


Lost In Translation
Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages.
The process could use some Process Improvement...
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what is inside since most people can not read.

The CAT User's Manual

From Skye Turell
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester
Manufactured by MOMCAT
System Design Specifications:
* User Friendly * Mouse Driven * Self Cleaning * Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use * Self Portable Operation * Dual Video and Audio Input * Audio Output * Auto Search Routines for Input Data * Auto Search for Output Bin * Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode
Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units.
Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.
Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.
Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production enviroment. The user may manually remove any bugs.
Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20! C (+/- 3! tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transporation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets.
Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. Afer 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.
The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. Such units will sit across the room with its back to you.
Applications: At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT.
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.
Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:
CACHE The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.
JUMP Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.
MIRROR Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
CHASE Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
DANCE and SING Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup.
Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems should run unix.
Warning Notices: CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems.
Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.
Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.
Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-userdamage.
Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".
Service Life:
As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good.
CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.
If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.
User Groups: CAT users can find other users and an faq on the Usenet newsgroup rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.
Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective.This may lead to serious performance problems.
Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to disappear.
System Features:
* Models = Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
* Interface = Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
* Memory = Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
* Expected Lifetime = 15 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).
* Weight = 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
* Speed = 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
* Color Graphics = Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of high resolution floating point pixels.
* Sound Chip =16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
* Power Consumpution = 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
* Operating Range = -30! to +45! C (-22! to 105!)
* Vibration = 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
Contacting CAT Technical Support
Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they wake up from their nap.
* Submit your CAT bug report. Requests for enhancement (rfe), etc. Remember: it's not a bug, it's a flea. Don't bother sending in your complaints: just like your CAT unit, our technicians won't pay attention either.


English Notices From Around The World

From Skye Turell
IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we regret that you will be unbearable.
IN A LEIPZIG ELEVATOR: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
IN A BELGRADE HOTEL ELEVATOR: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
ON THE MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
ON THE MENU OF A POLISH HOTEL: Salad a firm is own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people is fashion.
OUTSIDE A HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANERiS: Drop your trousers here for best results.
OUTSIDE A PARIS DRESS SHOP: Dresses for street walking.
IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A SIGN POSTED IN GERMANY'S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
IN AN ADVERTISEMENT BY A HONG KONG DENTIST: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
ADVERTISEMENT FOR DONKEY RIDES IN THAILAND: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
IN A SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.
IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
IN A TOKYO BAR: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
IN A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
ON THE DOOR OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ROOM: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
IN A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN AN ACAPULCO HOTEL: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
IN A TOKYO SHOP: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
FROM A JAPANESE INFORMATION BOOKLET ABOUT USING A HOTEL AIR CONDITIONER: Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
FROM A BROCHURE OF A CAR RENTAL FIRM IN TOKYO: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, bit if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
TWO SIGNS FROM A MAJORCAN SHOP ENTRANCE: - English well talking. - Here speeching American.


1997 Darwin Awards

From Timothy Burgener
The 1997 Darwin Award competition has announced its runners up and winners. These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
Note, there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in 1997-- it's no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and winners:
5th runner-up:
A San Anselmo, California, man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner-up:
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market when the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store-- paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner-up:
Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner-up:
A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night,said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said 'I'll show you how to set it off.' "
He put it into his mouth and bit down.
"It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off," Payne said.
Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st Runner-up:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a man's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. (DUH).
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this".
No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and shot himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 M.P.H. this year's winners:
1997 Darwin Award Winners
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great State of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show.
They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr.Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
(Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, (did I mention he is the late?) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his thigh 3-inches.
(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken state, he hastily put the truck into reverse, crashed through the fence, landed on his friend, and killed him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch, 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...


Special High Intensity Training

From Timothy Burgener
In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than other offices. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list.
As you know, our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in the DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to attend the supplemental program, EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take S.H.I.T. anymore. Obviously, they are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may qualify for the supervisory or training position, either giving S.H.I.T. to fellow employees or training other to take S.H.I.T.We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those of you who become skilled in B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs and eventually apply for a promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please direct them to: HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING. (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)