- 1997
Darwin Awards
From Timothy Burgener
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- The 1997 Darwin Award competition has
announced its runners up and winners. These awards are given each year
to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded
self sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the
human gene pool.
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- Note, there was great improvement in
the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in 1997-- it's
no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up
and winners:
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- 5th runner-up:
A San Anselmo, California, man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth
Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old
David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident
occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal
and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and
undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly
of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department.
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- The pads are used to protect skiers who
might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the
ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated
and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
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- 4th Runner-up:
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market
when the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a hot dog,
shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. Police found him
unconscious in front of the store-- paramedics removed the six-inch wiener
from his throat where it had choked him to death.
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- 3rd Runner-up:
Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging
rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
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- 2nd Runner-up:
A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas
who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped
a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
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- Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the
blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night,said Cpl. M.D.
Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and
was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and
this guy said 'I'll show you how to set it off.' "
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- He put it into his mouth and bit down.
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- "It blew all his teeth out and his
lips and tongue off," Payne said.
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- Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at
Charleston Area Medical Division.
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- "I just can't imagine anyone doing
something like that," Payne said.
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- 1st Runner-up:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through
the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released
soon from the hospital.
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- Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye
last weekend during an initiation into a man's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants
Pass, Oregon.
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- A friend tried to shoot a beer can off
his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the
arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been
cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw
at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to
10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels.
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- Delashaw also said had Roberts tried
to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts
admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.
(DUH).
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- Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about
this".
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- No charges have been filed, but the Josephine
County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
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- Last year's winner, you will remember,
was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take
Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and shot himself and his car into a desert
cliff at 300 M.P.H. ....now this year's winners:
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- 1997 Darwin Award Winners
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great State of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert
at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had
18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop"
over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show.
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- They pulled their pick-up truck over
to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100
pounds heavier than Mr.Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend
over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop
on the other side of the fence.
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- Having heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken,
along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his
shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
some bushes below him.
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- (Possibly) figuring the bushes would
break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his
shorts to free himself from the tree.
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- Finally free, (did I mention he is the
late?) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched
his ENTIRE body and now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch
penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his
pocket knife penetrated his thigh 3-inches.
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- (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his
friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and
pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the
rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
state, he hastily put the truck into reverse, crashed through the fence,
landed on his friend, and killed him.
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- Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up
with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from
massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under
it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum,
a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch, 25 feet
in the air.
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- Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
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