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- 1. FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your
lord takes some of the milk.
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- 2. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows.
The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as
much milk as you need.
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- 3. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two
cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of
the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government
gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should
need.
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- 4. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government
takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
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- 5. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows.
You help to take care of them, and you all share the milk.
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- 6. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
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- 7. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The
government takes both and shoots you.
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- 8. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two
cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals
in an apartment.
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- 9. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.
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- 10. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.
Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
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- 11. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have
two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
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- 12. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government
promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the
president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the
affair "Cowgate".
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- 13. BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.
You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do
anything.
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- 14. COMMON MARKET BUREAUCRACY: You have
two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and
when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it
takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain.
Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
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- 15. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either
you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to kill you and
take the cows.
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- 16. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You
sell one and buy a bull.
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- 17. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two
cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows
are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all
seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.
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- 18. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows.
The government bans you from milking or killing them.
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- 19. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They
get married and adopt a veal calf.
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- 20. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
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- 21. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated
with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric,
war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable
to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
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- 22. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's
like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
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- 23. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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