- For those not familiar with the Darwin
Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal
human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily
stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some
candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.
-
- DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
-
- 1) In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old
man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first
through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys
-
- 2) In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco
stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his
wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
-
- 3) Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach
when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside
it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection
from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying
to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not
reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour
to free him while about 200 people looked on Jones was pronounced dead
at a hospital.
-
- 4) In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24,
was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of
a bicycle shop he was burgling. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base
of his skull as he hit the floor.
-
- 5) According to police in Dahlonega,
GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow
cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not
penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.
-
- 6) Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed
in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he
would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull
the trigger.
-
- 7) In February, according to police in
Windsor, Ont , Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on
collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing
with their snowmobiles.
-
- 8) In September, a 7-year-old boy fell
off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging
on a memorial cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen
to his death in 1990.
-
- DARWIN AWARDS HONORABLE MENTIONS
-
- 1) In Guthrie, Oklahoma, in October,
Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle,
but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio
Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
-
- 2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn
Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use
a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first
and second floors of his house.
-
- 3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized
in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured,
by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car . While driving
around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it
out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to
notice that the window was closed.
-
- 4) Taking "Amateur Night" Too
Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five
days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens
of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.
Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand
Morons."
-
- SOME MORE "ALSO-RANS"
-
- 1)TAOS, NM -A woman went to a poison
control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English
was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had
poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed
doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind
of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to
fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only
a few block away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,
throat and stomach with no ill effects.
-
- 2) La Grange, GA -Attorney Antonio Mendoza
was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from
his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said
later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the
tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing " The
extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to
Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper
during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe, "Tony just
cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself three times during
the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that
just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did
expect to find an answering machine in there"
-
- 3) BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter
and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested
spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter,
lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's
penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily
threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering
the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing
away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car
to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
Christopher's penis was placed in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is
just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching
the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous.
The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful,
helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage
caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really a
very stringy piece of flesh. Mr Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining
the use of his member because of this." Washington Animal Control
has no plans to seize Rudy.
|
Sightings HomePage