- For those not familiar with the Darwin
Award - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal
human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily
stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some
candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!
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- DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
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- 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old
man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first
through an 8-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
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- 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco
stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his
wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
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- 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach
when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside
it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection
from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People
on the beach, the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying
to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could
not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost
an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced
dead at a hospital.
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- 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24,
was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of
a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the
base of his skull as he hit the floor. 5. According to police in Dahlonega,
GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow
cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not
penetrate the flakvest Berrena was wearing.
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- 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed
in February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he
would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull
the trigger.
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- 7. In February, according to police in
Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on
collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing
with their snowmobiles.
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- 8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell
off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging
on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his
death in 1990.
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- DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
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- 1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason
Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but
the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez
in the head, fracturing his skull.
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- 2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn
Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use
a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first
and second floors of his house.
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- 3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized
in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured,
by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving
around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it
out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to
notice that the window was closed.
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- 4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too
Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festival in November includes five
days of amateur bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens
of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized.
Said one participant, "It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand
morons."
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- MORE ALSO-RANS
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- 1. Four people were injured in a string
of related bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound
caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash
and contusions on his chest, arms, and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn
gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had
been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first
day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts
at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I
was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides,
it couldn't have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver
Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into
the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental
technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against
the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick.
In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's
wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
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- 2. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison
control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English
was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had
poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed
doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind
of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third
one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to
fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only
a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,
throat and stomach with no ill effects.
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- 3. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza
was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from
his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said
later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the
tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing." The
extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to
Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper
during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just
cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during
the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that
just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did
expect to find an answering machine in there".
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- 4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been
drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person
who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.
The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge
they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued
drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other
end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened
and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into
the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All
I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me
on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's
foot was never located.
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- 5. BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter
and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested
spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter,
lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's
penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily
threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering
the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing
away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car
to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.
Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler "Chris is just plain
lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis.
"Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous.
The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful,
helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage
caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It's really
a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance
of regaining the use of his limb because of this." Washington Animal
Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
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- THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER
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- PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper
Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal
laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200
pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting
to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast
unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of
the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground,
where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted
Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help
him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman
came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just
one of those freak accidents that happen."
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