- As you all know if you've gone food shopping recently,
butter prices have more than doubled. Yes, in the last few months they've
shot from 2$ a pound to way past $4 a pound. I know most of you don't even
look at the prices. I've been in line, seen people with carrots and asked,
what are carrots a pound now? And I get stares. "Like I LOOK??"
- Having four adult aged children, I knew this already,
of course. Kids today do not check prices. And as they don't --they are
incapable of simply LEAVING a store empty handed and driving to a barrio
market where produce is cheaper. Kids are more basic today. They just look
up at the fluorescent lights on the ceiling, see they're IN a market and
they start slinging things into the cart. That's the end of their marketing
reflex. No young person today can tell you what anything costs any more
But take my word for it, prices at one local supermarket this week ranged
from $3.99 to $5.69 a pound, and stores say it's hurting sales. Which to
me means that a lot of people who want butter are gagging down margarine.
- Butter's not coming down either because the peak-use
holiday season fast approaches. Did OPEC reduce gas pump prices after we
got the hang of four digits a gallon? Dream ON! And I'm betting an OPEC
Butter squeeze is coming with mashed potatoes, pies and fruitcakes dead
- When confronted, the dairies whimper that cheese is just
SOOO popular now and that all the fat has fled over THERE. And then there's
El Nino wetting the cow pastures, and then bagels have been so popular
and what's a bagel without cream cheese? Then they mention the horrible
HEAT wave and the terrible alfalfa and hay shortage, and with the hot summer,
ice cream is having the best summer ever. PEOPLE aren't. Ice cream is.
And that's where the fat fled to they shrug, batting their eyes.
- Then, the dairy spokesperson takes the reporter aside
and whispered darkly that 'government policies' may also be involved."
This is what an industry spokesperson actually said, reported in a Seattle
newspaper "No more subsidies. Government price supports for nonfat
powdered milk - a by-product of butter production - have dropped sharply
because schools just don't want milk powder."
- Now "dropped SHARPLY" is a very semantically
plastic term. "Dropped Sharply" does not mean an abysmal drop.
It means things have just gone SOUTH a little more than dairy producers
would like. "Nonfat powdered milk is not a top-seller anymore so we
can't get the profit out of powdered milk that we used to get, so why make
butter if we have to throw away the skimmed milk?"
- OK. So these milk producers are basically telling us
that they're putting their now limited fat resources into remunerative
cheese but not butter as Americans are eating more cheese than ever before
and then this bewildering fact: Fat prices have been declining for ten
years and as a result, dairy producers focused more on MILK production,
responding to market signals. So the upshot is that dairy producers have
really not been using bulls with high fat genetics."
- Ahhhh, I get it. They fired all the fatty sector bulls.
Let them go...Not realizing that the key to a tasty future in the fat craving
millenium was in their scrotums. Like the IRS and SSA firing all those
COBOL programmers and now they can't find one to fix the check machines
for all those entitlements and after December 31st, l999, the poor gov
can't send us money anymore. Because of the missing programmers. AHHHHHH.
The missing fatty sperm sires of good fatty milk cows are all geriatrics
in the mountains near Denver where they can't be found when they're needed.
- Seeing the argument is patently ridiculous, the dairy
spokesguy slides back to the government's part in the blame. "No,
it's the government, really. There actually happen to be seriously declining
butter reserves." Butter reserves? We are clearly mystified. "Yes,
you see, the government buys less surplus butter these days. The Butter
Bumper is gone. "Ahhh." And cafeterias are at fault. They buy
less surplus cheese and nonfat powdered milk for use in feeding programs,
such as school lunches. And then those cheese giveways to the homeless,
that's dead in the water since the Republican right wing trashed welfare.
- Riiii-ght Newt Gingrich and the students'. So let me
get this straight. A mysterious, sudden rising demand for FAT in products
we've always eaten and these limp missing bulls, then lower-than-expected
milk production and these nasty cafeteria staff and 'icky-poo-I-won't-eat-it
students' are why butter's sky high? I ask you, where's the logic of this
cheesey excuse? Ask your buddies right now. Are we truly eating more cheese
than ever before guys? Is anyone here eating more full fat cheddar than
they did, say ten years ago? I think the answer's a resounding NO! And
what kid at an American school cafeteria hasn't learned to eat what's on
the tray and smile?
- Then what's this other pidgeon switch in the magician's
hand? The industry maven tells us the milk fat that otherwise would go
into butter now goes into cheese, raising butter demand and price and all
this despite Americans' much-publicized concern about fat and health.
- The industry rep mentions how cheese consumption hit
an all-time high of 28 pounds per capita in 1997. How could that be when
heart attacks have hit an all time low? I smell a fib. Somewhere in the
middle of these statistics, the truth is being squeezed into little lie-shaped
molds like soft yellow patties of pricey butter!
- And then this BIG twinkie defense only it's a bagel defense.
Your honor, ALL the fat has fled to the bagel community. I am just waiting
for the Diary Council to come right out and hang it on a convenient culprit.
Immigrants! Bagels come after all, from a minority ethnic group who perhaps
has cagily used yuppies to create artificial butter fat shortages. Bagels
are on every streetcorner, in every Starbucks and damnit, they CRY OUT
out for cream cheese, The fattiest cheese of them all, a hugemongus milk-fat
user. And who started this bagel thing? Blame the ethnics!
- "Your honor, Wetbacks from Russia have stolen our
butter." Yep, the Whipping Boy every time. Back in the skinny recessionary
thirties, Hitler built his New Reich on blaming bagel-eating bankers. Worked
then and it works today. Bagels are the new tool of the International bankers,
the Chosen Weapon for yiddish revenge on Goys, using ethnic dunkers to
destroy the Whie Man while they were laughing up their semitic sleeves.
And who did they get to sell Real Amer-i-kuns down the river? OUR CHILDREN.
The same witless brats who are keeping the stock market artificially afloat
daytrading in mutuals on their PC's. Our Village of the Damned brat pack
breakfast club has been UTILIZED to suck the butter out of America's cows
so they could be served cream cheese at Starbucks where they probably take
a dab and send the rest back to the kitchen to keep those size 3 disco
bods. And no doubt, the Mexicans in the kitchen are packing it into crates
and selling second hand butterfat on top of tacos in the barrio and laughing
up their sleeves at us butterless wonders, whitey, the overlord, spreading
sugar free jam on his dry unpalatable recession morning toast. What is
hidden in dairy council defense is a racist red herring of gargantuan proportions!
The Protocols of Zion all over again.
- I don't buy that the MILK FAT shortage is due to ethnics.
Let's do our Sherlocking. Cheese prices are up too, from 4$ a pound to
twice that in some markets... a product that also uses milk fat. Wait a
minnite, I think I just found a CLUE.
- Cheese costs an armload, ice cream and butter too, so
MILK FAT is what's getting expensive. It's not MILK, it's the FAT. There's
not enough to go around. Hmmm, that's suspicious. That's like the oxygen
going down in the air, or frogs growing nine legs or the algae disappearing
in the water, or the ozone leaking out thru holes in the atmosphere or
forty year old men suddenly needing viagra and hair weaves. That's more
of what we might call a planetary change, isn't it?
- I comb the clues for anything transparant or for anything
real for that matter. It's mostly evasive bait-and-switch rhetoric, excuses
high on blame, low on logic. And I'm combing thru industry statements to
see what other arrangements the atoms of truth can make.
- What the dairy producers tell us reduces to a bevy of
subtle insults to the American public. They claim to be blameless, while
we are pigging out on more cheese and ice cream than ever before exactly
at the time that the nasty government won't subsidize skim milk powder
or buy surfeits. They claim to be between a rock and a hard place and are
throwing this bagel defense at us ... This cheese/ Ice cream /bagel canard.
You're eating more fat, thanks to yuppie food trends blah blah blah. Yeah
riiii--ght. I don't know about you but phony chapter and verse always makes
me wonder what truth is hidden by the red herring.
- You wanna know about yuppie eating habits? It's been
a YEAR since I've touched ice cream. No one in my family can pay 3$ a pint
for dessert. Besides which we're all terrified of fat gobs in our aorta.
But butter on our morning toast always seemed so irreplacable and MINIMAL.
And we always knew that margarine was made by boiling oil with carcinogenic
nickle at 3000 degrees for about a year and it was really lethal.. so AT
MY HOUSE we never went on one of those tidy margarine diets.
- But back to the evidence we're combing. Why isn't the
milk that's left OVER after making ice cream and cream cheese showing its
fat in butter as it always managed to do before?
- Perhaps Those on High are sending the butterfat somewhere
else? Like Brazil, Russia? Well it could happen. You heard the IMF had
actually asked the USA to use its 700 billion surplus to London to bail
out the bankers on all these countries that stiffed them. America isn't
the friggin' Red Cross for bankers. These are planetary Overlords who lend
countries a billion and get a hundred million interest back a month, 20%
interest per month payback, straight off the backs of the slaveworkers
they've been handed on a plate by local oligarchs, all for giving the local
Somoza or Marcos billions to stick in their unnumbered accts in Swiss banks.
And the bankers had Greenspan toss Clinton a quarter point of lowered interest
to repay him. This news came out and the Stock market dipped bigtime anyway
because Wall Street it seemed, wanted MORE of an interest cut from the
Bankers. Everyone wants their butterfat!
- But back to the disappearing yellow grease for toast.
Do you think they're sending our butter abroad? I seem to remember a political
cry 'guns not butter.' Maybe it had something to do with that?
- While we're looking for conspiracies my simple intuition
is that the dairy producers are hiding something. Maybe the FAT is SIMPLY
NOT IN THE MILK ANYMORE. Maybe it's some kind of thing where there's twice
the milk and half the FAT. HMMMMM? Yeah, like this bovine hormone could
be doing some really weird things to milk. If a cow has to suddenly produce
twice the milk, there's all the liklihood that a LOT of things have to
get left out of it. Like FLAVOR, like MINERALS, like the color WHITE...
(a lot of stuff they won't admit is not there, but which we certainly noticed
were gone!) And the one missing thing they'll cop to, because they have
to... BUTTERFAT content. And I look at my notes, and there at the bottom,
a diary producer personally told me that "Bovine Hormone DOES cause
less fat to appear in the milk."
- I think I have just solved the case of the missing butterfat.
I've given you the real, full-fat butterfacts. Bovine Hormone is juicing
up the at-the-udder production and you can't squeeze fat out of a turnip!
The horrible truth is, Millenium cows are excreting SKIM milk at the PUMP.
Dairy producers watch out. I don't care which butter sheik is behind the
BPEC butter barrel prices, we have nukes and phantom jets and the American
peace keepers will come after you. This is, after all, the culmination
of the Century of Having it All. Nobody is gonna squeeze Americans at the
pump And (fist raised) so help me God, if I have to beg, cheat or steal,
I'm never going to be hungry again. And I'm not going to eat petroleum
jelly on my morning toast!