- Are you at risk?
-
- A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline
read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article
went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main
danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break
down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
-
- I was horrified. When are we going to
do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco
companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?
-
- Well, I've done a little research, and
what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....
-
- 1: More than 98 percent of convicted
felons are bread eaters.
- 2: Fully HALF of all children who grow
up in bread-consuming households
- score below average on standardized
tests.
- 3: In the 18th century, when virtually
all bread was baked in the home,
- the average life expectancy was less
than 50 years; infant mortality rates
- were unacceptably high; many women died
in childbirth; and diseases such as
- typhoid, yellow fever and influenza
ravaged whole nations.
- 4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes
are committed within 24 hours
- of eating bread.
- 5: Bread is made from a substance called
"dough." It has been proven that as
- little as one pound of dough can be
used to suffocate a mouse.
- The average American eats more bread
than that in one month!
- 6: Primitive tribal societies that have
no bread exhibit a low occurrence
- of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease
and osteoporosis.
- 7: Bread has been proven to be addictive.
Subjects deprived of bread and
- given only water to eat begged for bread
after only two days.
- 8: Bread is often a "gateway"
food item, leading the user to "harder" items
- such as butter, jelly, peanut butter
and even cold cuts.
- 9: Bread has been proven to absorb water.
Since the human body is more
- than 90 percent water, it follows that
eating bread could lead to your
- body being taken over by this absorptive
food product, turning you into
- a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
- 10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- 11: Bread is baked at temperatures as
high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
- That kind of heat can kill an adult
in less than one minute.
- 12: Most American bread eaters are utterly
unable to distinguish
- between significant scientific fact
and meaningless statistical
- babbling.
-
- In light of these frightening statistics,
we propose the following
- bread restrictions:
-
- 1: No sale of bread to minors.
- 2: No advertising of bread within 1000
feet of a school.
- 3: A 300 percent federal tax on all
bread to pay for all the societal ills
- we might associate with bread.
- 4: No animal or human images, nor any
primary colors (which may appeal to
- children) may be used to promote bread
usage.
- 5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three
biggest bread manufacturers.
- Please send this e-mail on to everyone
you know who cares about this crucial
- issue.
-
- Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.
-
-
- Peter Caffell ------ Auckland, New Zealand
- <http://www.bitron.net/http://www.bitron.net
- <http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~pcaffell/index.htmlhttp://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~p
- caffell/index.html
- <http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~pcaffell/qtalk.htmlhttp://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~p
- caffell/qtalk.html ------
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