By John Barbour
7-25-24

About 12 years ago, my wife was feeling seriously exhausted all the time. Whatever pills our doctor was giving her did no good. He thought what she needed was a vigorous exercise program, and he had just the outfit gym for her to go to everyday. One where Humana insurance would cover the cost. I asked my wife if he gave her any kind of blood tests or other tests to see if jumping on a trampoline is what she really needed. She said he had not. He just kept repeating that the insurance would cover it.

I said well you are not going until you take some tests. So, I took her to the emergency hospital where a very quick series of tests discovered she had a urinary tract infection. They recommended antibiotics which cured her in a week. So, I recommended we get rid of this Dr Doolittle and find somebody else. The internet was filled with listings for hundreds of doctors who said they had openings for new patients. I chose one on Tropicana because it was next to a hospital, in case he turned out to be as incompetent as our previous one, who shortly thereafter retired. He had made enough money to build a mansion on Devil's Island.

This new one on Tropicana was on the second floor of a very, very modern building. His office was close to the elevator which was convenient. When I walked into his waiting room I was a bit overwhelmed. It wasn't very big but it was quite beautiful with large framed pictures covering all the walls. And covering what look like all 25 seats were the asses of patients. I am always early for everything. I got there especially early because I had to fill out all the forms, but it looked like no matter how quickly I filled out these forms there was no chance that I would get to meet my new doctor as scheduled.

(By the way, once when Sarita and I were living in Toluca Lake and I was doing ' Real People’, NBC sent me for a physical, as required by our contract. I got so pissed that I, and a few other people I could see, had waited over an hour. When I was finally called in, and the nurse asked me to hand her all the forms, I did. Plus a bill for $5,000 because my time was more valuable than his!)

Anyway, back to the new doctor. After filling out the forms, I didn't want to sit because actually there was no place to sit except the floor. I simply decided to leave. As I was backing out, I noticed a rather really well-dressed woman perhaps in her early thirties sitting in the middle seat of about 12 people. On her lap she was holding what.looked like a large clear plastic bag full of M&M peanuts. I couldn't resist so I asked, 'Pardon me, ma’am, what are they... M&M peanuts?' The people around her laughed but she did not. She almost looked frightened. And just said 'No!'

I said quickly, 'What on Earth are they? She said, 'Pills!' I almost shouted, 'Pills for what?' She paused. Then quietly. 'My illnesses!' I was starting to feel angry, thinking about profiteering doctors, and murderous pharmaceutical giants and said, 'Lady, anybody who has that many illnesses is either in a cemetery or a hospital and not sitting in a doctor's chair!'

Again, the people around her laughed. She got more silent. For some reason, I couldn't stop myself and continued...

'Do you carry that plastic bag around to save all the different pills that all the different doctors give you for all your different maladies? 'The whole room suddenly got silent. I could sense they thought I was out of line. I began to think so, too, but I kept going, getting even more out of line. I stepped forward closer to her, reached down and grabbed the bag...that she made no attempt to hold onto...and said to her, 'Did you get these from this doctor?' She just nodded in the affirmative. This certainly was not going to be my new primary physician. The bag still in my hand, I said, 'You are a very beautiful young woman and I am telling you, you do not need to see a doctor, especially this guy!

What you need to see is a dietitian! Your body needs natural nutrients and not artificial chemicals!'

A few on the far side of the room applauded. I did not stay to take a bow. As quickly as I could, I rushed out, pushed the elevator button and descended to the first floor her plastic bag still in my hand. I didn't know quite what to do. I was too embarrassed to go back upstairs and apologize, so I just rushed to my car and on the way dumped the plastic bag into a trash can.

For days and days I wondered if I had deprived her of a few really important pills that she needed to save her life. Maybe I killed her. I felt like a monumental asshole. Before the year was over. I had forgotten all about it. I was deep in work and deep in trying to cure my own diabetes. Once in awhile, I did think about her, and felt I could have been a little kinder to her and not acted like a know-it-all asshole comic. Anyway...that was 8 to 10 years ago. Sarita and I have two new doctors now. Both keeping us very healthy as we keep ourselves.

Once a week, to break the monotony of eating my own cooking which is really pretty good, I go to one of two restaurants on the strip. One is a sports bar called Steiner’s at Windmill and Blue Diamond. Here I order the same dish. Three great lamb chops a giant Greek salad and a glass of Cabernet all for just $24 plus a $10 tip. The other is Outback on the strip where I also order the same thing. The small filet minion, baked potato, and small salad and a glass of Cabernet. The filet is all right but the baked potato and the salad are fantastic and it's also only around $35 with a $10 tip. I always sit in the same place, a small dark booth by the bar, because in the darkness it's easier to read my phone.

Last Thursday night about 5pm, that's where I was. Reading my phone. Like everyone else in the place. Soon I stopped reading because I felt someone was staring at me. I looked up to my left and I was right Someone was staring at me. A very attractive really smartly dressed woman with a very expensive Gucci purse. I looked up till we made eye contact and she remained silent for what seemed a minute or two, Then she said, quietly, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

I said, 'My cell number is 702 4... ‘ She chuckled a sweet, warm chuckle, then just as just as softly.said,
'Seriously sir, could I ask you a question?'

I said, ‘Yes, I am married!'

A huge smile crossed your face. 'It has to be you!'

I was stunned. And chuckled, 'What do you mean it has to be me!'

Quickly, she said, 'Funny pain in the ass!!

Just as quickly I responded. 'Where did you hopefully see me being funny and not a pain in the ass, unless it was about something political!'
She said with a glint in her eye, a glint that said she had the right guy, 'At a doctor's office on Tropicana 10 years ago!' I screamed, 'Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!' You're kidding me! You're kidding! Oh my God, you look fantastic!'

A huge smile crossed that beautiful face making her so much more beautiful, and I said, 'Did you find a doctor who prescribed only M&M peanuts for you?'

She chuckled and grabbed my hand. 'What's your name?' I said John, or Johnny, to some' She said 'I'm Elizabeth...Liz to my friends!’ I said, ‘Well,k I'll just call you Elizabeth because you certainly look like a queen.'

'Thank you,' she said. ‘Johnny, your face did look familiar so you've aged well, but why do you, as a grown man, wear a Superman shirt?

I answered, 'Because from the time my son was a child it was his favorite character. And while I'm not superstitious, wearing it always brought me luck and you remembered it!'

She said, ‘Well, I guess I did…'

And it brought me luck, too. Because when you stole, like an asshole, all my medicine, I had no idea what to do with my life. It was more my mood that was making me ill rather than illness itself. I was a single mother of two quite well-off from an inheritance but the unhappiest woman on the planet. Shortly after you left with my M&MS (she smiled that beautiful smile again) I left, too, saying to myself this spoiled brat better get her shit together because she is no use to either herself or her children. And guess what I did?

I was too stunned to answer or say anything. She continued. 'I went to a dietitian. Then I went to a gym. Then after that to a bank to put my inheritance into a trust for my children, and then got a job. At that job, I met the most amazing man...divorced with three children. Now I feel like the luckiest, happiest wife and mother of five. I cannot wait to get home to tell my husband that I met that funny arrogant asshole!!!'

For some reason, I found my body trembling while she was still holding my hand, and I said, 'Elizabeth I am at a total loss for words.'

She said with a big smile, 'I guess there is a first time for everything, Johnny...by the way what is your last name?'

I said, Barbour, Spelled the Scot's way b a r b o u r. And all I can say, Elizabeth, is that you have most certainly made my day! As Clint Eastwood would say!’

She said, 'Johnny, you made my life! When I get home I am going to tell my family and look you up because regardless of that children's t-shirt, for some reason you looked familiar to me!'

She squeezed my hand harder then let go and just walked off. I had lost my appetite. My food was half eaten. I didn't even want to take it home. I sat there in the darkness for another half hour pondering and amazed at what had just happened, whispering quietly to myself over and over, Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!! It was getting dark. Time to leave.. I asked the waiter for the check! He said 'There isn't one. Some beautiful woman paid it for you.'

The $50 I had in my hand, I put in his hand.

'Oh thank you, thank you, sir. Have a very. very good night.’

I said, 'You are getting that 50 bucks because I have just had one of the greatest and most amazing nights of my life.'

A very good night, indeed!!

John