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Are You A Precious Snowflake?  
Or An Old Dinosaur?

By Douglas Herman


Some snowflakes are directly related to old dinosaurs. Strange as it seems, some actually live under the same roof! Not sure how that is possible, what with global warming and climate change, but they do. Are YOU a snowflake? Or perhaps you’re an old dinosaur, whose extinction is long awaited by his heirs ­ I mean snowflake relatives.

Consider the simple act of driving: First thing a snowflake will do, after starting the car, is check Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Most snowflakes hold their  lectronic binkie everywhere they go. Called a smart phone, most snowflakes rarely put it down, except to shower. Maybe not even then, since newer cellphones have now become waterproof and attachable at the wrist.

To American snowflake patriots, driving while texting is a a sacred Constitutional right, like the 2nd Amendment of Snowflakedom. Somewhere in the Constitution it is clearly stated: The Right to Bear Cellphones, Shall Not Be Infringed! Thus most snowflakes hold tightly to their iPhones while pulling into traffic. Oblivious to everyone else and endangering themselves and others, they speed along every American highway with cellphones grasped firmly in hand.

Evidently, the self-driving car was invented for snowflakes. By contrast, old dinosaurs love driving their own cars, and most haven’t a clue whether he has his cellphone with him or not. The dinosaur’s ancient flip front cellphone, manufactured at the turn of the century, during the Pleistocene Age, may have been left in another trouser pocket, for all that dinosaur knows or cares.

Snowflakes and dinosaurs both love music. Hip hop stars, like P.Diddy, Drake and Chance the Rapper are just some of the greatest performers in the world, all having won a multitude of music awards and earned hundreds of millions from adoring snowflake fans. But according to most dinosaurs, Chance couldn’t carry Nat King Cole’s luggage; P.Diddy is no Jimi Hendrix and Drake couldn’t adjust Johnny Cash or James Brown’s microphone. Most snowflakes have never heard of any of these legends, unless in passing, just as most dinosaurs have never heard of Pitbull, unless referring to their neighbor’s angry pet dog.

Luckily snowflakes and dinosaurs share a love of movies. Dinosaur actor Harrison Ford, nearly a hundred years old, appeals to both oldsters and youngsters in the never-ending Star Wars epics, which seem to be continuing--with no end in sight--for about one hundred years. To snowflakes however, Seth MacFarlane is a greater genius than anyone in Hollywood, except for maybe Star Wars creator George Lucas. To a snowflake, Seth is a better actor than ancient dinosaurs Bogie, Cagney and Clint Eastwood combined.

Snowflakes & Dinosaurs in Public

When at any social gathering, most snowflakes can be seen ignoring everyone else there, while they scroll through Facebook or Twitter. Social settings for snowflakes allow free use of social media but without the difficulty of ever socializing. By contrast, dinosaurs of both sexes love social groups and gatherings, where they can pontificate on politics, rage against the smallest perceived injustice, or rant, complain, harass or annoy everyone else there. Dinosaurs usually reserve holidays for these warm social moments together.

Snowflakes and dinosaurs both love money. Few can actually define money, but they know money when they see it. Plastic money--credit and debit cards--appear to be a godsend for snowflakes. Old dinosaurs patiently count small change when making a purchase, while annoying everyone behind them, as if pennies, nickels and dimes still possessed any value.

The snowflake simply swipes a card, and should any event, like a hurricane, knock out ATMs and credit card scanners, the snowflake is completely lost and bewildered. By contrast, old codgers know their small change will still be accepted everywhere in any economic meltdown or natural disaster. Of course, in that event, there will be nothing left to buy, resourceful snowflakes having looted all the stores.

The greatest invention for any snowflake is the so-called smart phone. The greatest invention for old dinosaurs is the remote control. When living together under one roof, an observer can see a precious snowflake, ear buds in place, happily browsing an app or an iTune, or playing a violent video game, while the deaf old dinosaur channel surfs with the volume blasting.

Snowflakes must have their safe spaces, otherwise they might become triggered. No, triggering does not refer to guns. Guns are not acceptable to any snowflake, unless guns and bombs are used freely throughout their favorite video game or wielded by some hero in a Hollywood movie. By contrast, dinosaurs are mostly triggered by the talking heads and overpaid pundits on TV. Snowflakes laugh at how easily dinosaurs are triggered by Rachel Maddow or Michael Moore. To most snowflakes, Rachel and Mike are greater Americans than Washington, Jefferson and Robert E. Lee combined. In fact, to most snowflakes, Washington & Lee College should change its name to Maddow Moore University.

At a certain age, an old dinosaur becomes a dotard. He admits (to himself) that he might be a bit of a racist or sexist, or even question the existence of God. By contrast, a precious snowflake becomes an impassioned defender of all races and the entire alphabet of sexes. However, most snowflakes practice an extreme Ageism. They subscribe to the belief that only those in their immediate peer group of hip, young smart phone users hold valid opinions. Dinosaurs, whether juveniles or dotards, become sub-humans consigned to the junk heap of wackdom, even if these nutty dinosaurs live under the same roof and pay the rent, utilities and cell phone plan.

The sad thing about their differences is how much snowflakes and dinosaurs have in common. They both love those car commercials on television, where no other car is ever on the road. And no one is texting while driving. You can see the dreamy looks upon their faces, driving in a traffic-less world, each group having spent countless hours, days even, stuck in stalled traffic, surrounded by snowflakes or dinosaurs.

Pizza seems to be another shared delight of all generations, snowflakes and dinosaurs alike. Columbus invented the pizza when he discovered America, and at the very first Thanksgiving celebration, the Indians--now called Native Americans--shared slices of pepperoni with these boat people, the original refugees.

Sadly, it is these small differences, like foreign refugees seeking a handout or a wonderful homeland with a multitude of taxpayer-funded safety nets, that divide snowflakes and dinosaurs. If only wealthy snowflakes would set an example, like billionaires Mark Zuckerberg, George Lucas and Jeff Bezos, and take in a few thousand healthy young male refugees, and put them to work mending fences, mowing lawns or building walls around their private domains, dinosaurs would applaud their beliefs.

If only older snowflakes, like Michael Moore and Robert De Niro, each worth several hundred million dollars, would adopt a hurricane-ravaged island or two, those wicked old dinosaurs would put down the remote control and join in, instead of ranting at the TV while watching NFL players simply taking a knee to protest real or perceived grievances in America. If only that hoary old dinosaur, Donald Trump, would focus on the problems facing America and the world, rather than seeking to spread mayhem and destruction around the globe, precious snowflakes would look forward to their tenuous future.

You see, snowflakes and dinosaurs have much in common, Both want that which is good. Their only difference being how exactly to define it and then achieve it.