- This was submitted by a guy who purchased
his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that
bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
- There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh
& blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in
a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
- The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next
is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting
there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
- I touched the prongs to my naked
thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%
!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side
in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing
over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with
a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second
burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until
it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-
... that hurt like hell!!!
- A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return. Still in shock...