- New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up
ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25
years. Because you don't particularly likethem! Besides, I already know
what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing
- New Rule: Don't eat anything that's
served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all
shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey,
it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
- New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys
who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I
have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
- New Rule: If you need to shave and you
still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards
are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of
- New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows
alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of
them? Okay, we're done.
- New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but
without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's
your flavored water.
- New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger
label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out
how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target,
you just solved the SocialSecurity crisis.
- New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order
a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,
gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and
one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a hugeass hole.
- New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the
time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding,no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me
up is standing there eating myAlmond Joy.
- New Rule: Just because your tattoo has
Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the
crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't
pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
- New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a
sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US
Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker
table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh
wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
- New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega
M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
- New Rule: If you're going to insist
on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on
the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
- New Rule: No more gift registries. You
know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes
and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version