Seven Tips To Save
The Ship Of State

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By Douglas Herman
With three years to go, the longest three years of his life (and ours) George Bush could use some help. Sadly, after five years in office, President Bush might be the worst president ever. Maybe the worst two presidents ever. But every day offers a golden opportunity for everyone to become better. Even you, George, even me.
As a fellow Air Force veteran who ran away from the same US Air Force base as George W. Bush A Tale of Two AWOLs: Dubya & I), I decided to offer some tips to the president. Not that I expect George to heed my advice. But maybe that's the problem. The only advice he seems to heed is BAD advice. So here goes, with good intentions only. And trust me, George, you'll sleep better and so will we.
1. Fire Somebody...Please! In fact, fire a whole lot of people. Clean house. Start with Cheney and Rumsfeld and have yourself a royal rumble. Kick some ass, George. Nothing says I,m in charge, like firing incompetent people. And since you,re surrounded with incompetents, anyone you fire can only improve your poll ratings. So fire away, loyalty be damned, let them all be indicted and convicted and sent to jail. Enjoy yourself!
2. Create a more Presidential Persona. Harry Truman said, "The buck stops here," and he also said, "If you can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen." Invent some kick-ass quotes of your own and then start acting. Instead of avoiding managerial responsibility, take some. Fire some more people and appoint better ones. Maybe even a few Democrats, Independents, Libertarians and Greens. Now don't you feel good?
3. Hold more press conferences. Hang out with the press. Heck, write your own blog. Host your own radio show! Remember, the most popular president (FDR) had his own radio show, so why don't you? Be folksy - and try not to mention the word terror, in every other sentence.
4. Which brings us to the War. You know which one. Declare victory - after all, America hasn't been attacked (except by ourself on 911) - and start bringing all the National Guard troops home. Then bring the rest of the soldiers home too. Offer Iraq aid rather than artillery. Aren't you bored being The War President,? Wouldn't it be better to start mending fences? How about calling yourself The Victory President,? Nice ring, huh? And try to put some real meaning into it? Host a few peace conferences. Have the Iranians and Syrians over for coffee. And fire Condi Rice.
5. I know it's tough to stay sober. If being sober means being an asshole - and forgive my frankness - then maybe you should take a drink or two or three. But if you do drink, please don't wallow in self-pity. You brought all those troubles on yourself (and us) by surrounding yourself with those Nefarious Neocons. So, fire a few more of them. Then hold a kegger in the Rose Garden with a bunch of Internet critics. Then ask a bunch of those bloggers what they would do in your situation. Yes, you could resign or shoot yourself, as more than a few bloggers will suggest, but LISTEN to what they have to say even when they start shouting in your face. Smile at them. Apologize. Nod your head in agreement. There, you,ve almost become a warm human being again. Then appoint one of the bloggers to replace Bolton. He couldn't do worse.
6. Pledge to work for the little guy and do it. No more no-bid contracts for Cheney's cronies. No more sucking up to your dad's creepy Carlyle pals. You got elected - stolen or not - by the commoners so start serving them these next few years.
7. Start listening to the American public rather than guys like Rove. Clean out the White House, remove the concrete barriers from around Washington DC, and bring the troops home from Iraq. Declare victory and start improving things here at home. And watch your poll numbers climb. By George, you can do it! Of course, if you get assassinated by a lone gunman with three names, at least you,ll be remembered as a decent fellow after all, and probably get a whole bunch of things named after you and your face on a coin. As it is, you haven't got the legacy of a bad banana republic dictator. So roll up your sleeves, George; you,ve lots of work to do.
Fellow Air Force veteran and runaway, Douglas Herman writes regularly for Rense. Born north of the Mason-Dixon line, he is a southerner at heart and authored the colorful little novel of Southern intrique, The Guns of Dallas. He lives in Florida and works--infrequently--in Alaska. Please, buy my book; keep me from having to work. And contribute to Rense!




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