- Drugs, as we know, are evil. This is why Nancy Reagan
told everyone to "just say no." This is why countless millions---er,
billions---are spent fighting the "War on Drugs" instead of on,
say, schools. (Gee, isn't it funny how drugs are more plentiful and popular
than ever, anyhow?)
- This is why Tommy Chong was thrown in jail for selling
- This is why we have lots of "operatives" in
the cocaine republics of South America doing strange things that we rarely
hear about (especially when good reporters who write about them, like the
late Gary Webb, are discredited and demoralized to the point of suicide.)
- This is why "President" Bush will not admit
to past use of marijuana (and, judging from his remarks on recently released
tapes, possibly cocaine and LSD, too.)
- This is why we have those neat "This is your brain
on drugs" commercials, in which the wacked teenaged girl smashes her
kitchen up with a frying pan. Wow. Potent stuff. Convinced me not to have
- And this is why we are now giving enemy Iraq combatants
the illegal drug, methylenedioxymeth- amphetamine, or MDMA. AKA "Ecstasy."
The Love Drug. Adam. Hug Beans. High of choice at "raves" for
at least fifteen years.
- No, no---wait, I've got it wrong. We're not giving it
to the enemy, we're giving it to our combatants! Our soldiers. That's right.
G.I. Joe and G.I. Jane are on MDMA.
- War on Drugs, meet the war on drugs.
- "Private, I gave you an order! Did you hear me?"
- "You have a beautifu soul, sir."
- "Pick up your weapon!"
- "But the enemy is human, sir. If we could just sit
down together and talk for a while."
- And you thought it was crazy that the military recently
considered devising a drug to turn enemy combatants into instant homosexuals.
You know, so they would immediately put down their guns and pick up their,
well, you get the idea.
- This is your country. This is your country on drugs.
- The U.S. Food and Drug Administration
says that Ecstasy could help traumatized soldiers deal with "flashbacks"
and recurring nightmares---and maybe even head off post-traumatic stress
disorder. So, a clinical "trial" program is under way, in which
military victims of rape, sexual abuse and post-traumatic stress have been
- Michael Mithoefer, a shrink in charge of the clinical
trial, recently made a lot of clinical statements to the press, such as
how it all looks "very promising," and "it's too early to
draw any conclusions, but in these treatment-resistant people so far the
results are encouraging," and "people are able to connect more
deeply on an emotional level with the fact they are safe now."
- Wink, wink.
- Help with nightmares? Ease post-traumatic stress disorder?
Make you "connect more deeply on an emotional level?" Is he kidding?
You fall in love with the goddamn kitchen table. Kirstie Alley looks like
three hundred pounds of heavenly joy. And er, "safe?" Well, Herr
Mithoefer is right about that. There is only one thing imaginable that
could induce a feeling of safety right in the middle of the Iraq war, and
it ain't a visit from Donald Rumsfeld. . .
- Can't you see it? Men with assault rifles and big fake
nipples in their mouths. . .
- Ecstasy is paradise with an ocean view. Physiologically,
it blows open the seratonin floodgates until your brain is swimming, bathing,
floating in unimaginable bliss. Malice toward no one. Before you know it,
you're picking up ants from the carpet and gently placing them on the front
lawn, wishing them a long and prosperous life, muttering "you have
souls, too, little fellows. . ."
- Ecstasy is Viagra for niceness. Give it to soldiers,
and they won't want to kill the enemy, they'll want to kill 'em with kindness.
- "It appears to act as a catalyst," says Mithoefer,
"to help people move through whatever's been blocking their success
- Oh, it's a catalyst. It'll catalyze you into really enjoying
the Teletubbies, and Mister Rogers and trance music. Ever see Rave People
with pacifiers around their necks, or even---gasp---in their mouths? One
of the features of Hug Beans is that their methampetamine component gets
your jaw grinding, so the pacifier sates that particular compulsion.
- Can't you see it? Men with assault rifles and big fake
nipples in their mouths, breaking down Iraqi doors to win "hearts
and minds." That ought to scare the crap out of Al-Qaeda.
- So here's another reason to enlist, kids! Aside from
the fact you have no job, a lousy education, and that Marine recruiter
at Wal-Mart said you could use a military career as a springboard to becoming
a famous rapper.
- Go to Iraq, tell a shrink you're a little upset, and
you'll get lots of pure pharmaceutical Ecstasy---not that watered down,
speedy junk going around the raves. The good stuff. Far out! It's still
a felony for us, but it's good fellowship for you. Why not just issue it
with K-rations instead of free cigarettes?
- Beats shooting heroin, like those poor Vietnam guys did.
- Yes, forget all the "just say no" rhetoric
and all the claims that ecstasy puts holes in the brain (now discredited)---it's
a good drug again. Forget about suspicions that too much MDMA burns out
seratonin producers or receptors, and can leave users with long-term depression.
Just say yes!
- After all, it was legal until the late '80s, when therapists
employed it to help patients conquer fear, anxiety, and related disorders.
Then the government banned it for the same reason that most things are
banned: kids found that it was a lot of fun at parties, then got into automobiles.
- I'm for it, risks and all. I'm for giving all our soldiers
Ecstasy---and all their soldiers, too. In fact, all the armies of the world
should take it, and certainly all the terrorists and politicians.
- We'd have no more worries, at least until the drugs wore
- "Soldier, what is your mission?"
- "Mmmph Blurgh pfrkph."
- "Take the pacifier out of your mouth, son."