- Uncle Sam Needs Soldiers To Protect His Pipelines In
Iraq - But They Shouldn't Expect His Help When It's All Over
-
- Feeling restless? Is 2004 looking just like 2003? Do
you long to have your place in life very firmly defined by others and to
wear a range of interesting hats? Do you have low financial expectations,
a vigorous desire to travel and a functioning index finger? Then the US
military could be for you.
-
- Not a US citizen? Don't fret - the Department of Defense
Inc welcomes one and all. You can fight for a passport, fight for a green
card, just fight for the Christian, God-fearing hell of it. And you'll
be in good hands - Secretary of the Air Force James Roche is a former vice-president
at Northrop Grumman; Secretary of the Navy Gordon England is a former executive
at General Dynamics; and former Secretary of the Army Thomas E White came
direct from those hard-fighting boys at Enron. You're only a few months
of training from jury-rigging armour on your combat-unready vehicle, eating
out of filthy, Halliburton-run kitchens, sewing patches on your Vietnam-issue
flak jacket and tying plastic strips round the wrists of numberless fascinating
strangers, often in their own homes. Brits also have local access to a
subsidiary enterprise, run to the same exacting standards. French nationals
need not apply.
-
- Or perhaps you've just finished a tour for Uncle Sam.
Maybe you're one of last year's lucky amputees, or you've suffered a recent
"mystery illness" or "mental breakdown". Well, give
yourself a shake, shine up those new prosthetics and re-enlist today. In
other wars you'd have been left idle, but no matter what levels of physical
and mental trauma you've endured, this time the Department of Defense Inc
still needs you. And with veterans making up 9% of the US population but
23% of the homeless - and Veterans Affairs taking care of 40,000 out of
500,000 - what better options have you got? You have a 50% chance of substance
abuse and a 45% chance of mental illness - and let's not even talk about
Gulf war syndrome and depleted uranium. In fact, let's not talk about that,
ever.
-
- And who would miss the chance of serving alongside forces
from Kellogg Root Brown, Northrop Grumman and DynCorp International - the
war professionals? They can ignore the Geneva convention (they're not protected
by it, either) and you can simply dodge round it. Feel like beating some
prisoners in Camp Bucca? Confining whole villages as collective punishment?
Shooting unarmed civilians? Gunning down a surrendered combatant in the
street? Arresting the pesky journalists who'd film you gunning down a surrendered
combatant in the street? Failing to establish and sustain civil order?
Obtaining information "under duress"? Lifting harmless valuables
during house-to-house searches? Then this war's for you.
-
- Or are you a brave, decent individual with a trust in
your country's leaders and a deep sense of duty? Obviously, you can sign
up, too, but your disillusionment will cause no end of trouble. You might
well suffer long-term psychological problems, send emails to Michael Moore,
complain to your relatives that you're being forced into illegal acts for
corporate profit, and generally reduce company morale. Your duty is to
keep your head down and make sure those pipelines stay secure.
-
- Of course, if you don't keep your head down, you may
experience a period of negative good health. This is to be avoided, because
it tends to depress voters at home, so you might find yourself being withdrawn
for a while and stored in a variety of hospitals, barrack blocks and sheds
with other inconveniently indisposed personnel, until you can be returned
to the combat zone, or filtered quietly back into society.
-
- Your secluded storage may also affect your ability to
receive Purple Hearts and other awards. And you will, naturally, be expected
to repay your $8.10 food allowance for each day spent enjoying hospital
meals, while any disability benefit you receive later (subject to further
cuts) will be reimbursed to the government out of your retirement pay.
There are moves afoot to alter these nominal, reasonable burdens, but don't
hold your breath.
-
- And rest assured, for those of you who no longer have
breath to hold, the Charles C Carson Centre for Mortuary Affairs will deal
with your remains efficiently in tasteful surroundings. You won't be best
placed to appreciate it, but the 70,000 sq ft, state-of-the-art facility
at Dover air force base, in Delaware, has been expressly designed to process
you and your comrades. It has a foyer with reflecting pool and rock-effect
seating area and a glass Wall of Fallen Heroes, ready and waiting for your
name.
-
- Better still, no ceremony will be held there to mark
your passing, in case your grieving relatives feel compelled to attend.
Coincidentally, this means George Bush won't be attending, either. And
nor will the press gain any access - your arrival will be entirely private,
as if you had never been.
-
- Vietnam and Korean war remains still arriving at Hickam
air force base can be filmed, because they're Good News. But you, you're
different - it's better for all concerned if you just disappear.
-
- Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited
2004
-
- http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,1117600,00.html
|
