- A year ago, as the shock of the 9-11 terrorist attacks
began to wear off, we were mad ---- fighting mad. It made perfect sense;
this was a completely sane response to being so viciously attacked. President
Bush, joined by uni-partisan support, declared war on terrorism. The nation
--- and much of the rest of the world --- joined together in grief and
in outrage. Even Paul McCartney sang "we will fight for freedom."
It all seemed so clear.
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- We feared other attacks. We became afraid of our mailboxes.
We realized that even the air we breathe is not guaranteed to be safe.
We thought that the world as we have known it was suddenly, drastically
and forever changed.
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- Now, a year later, everything is not so clear. Opinions
about the best way to proceed in this war on terrorism vary greatly. The
smoke of emotion is clearing, and we are left to consider our circumstances
rationally.
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- First, and most importantly, it is essential to recognize
that the broad range of opinions being expressed (although quoting Martha
Stewart's catch phrase may not be as popular as it once was) is a good
thing. The freedom to speak our minds without government interference is
the foundation on which this nation is built. But just as important, and
unfortunately far less emphasized, is the other side of free speech: the
freedom to listen to each other. As a psychotherapist and author I have
spent the last 20 years helping clients and readers learn to communicate
better. To do so successfully entails many elements, but none more important
than the three (3) simple principles of 1.) slow down, 2.) take turns,
and 3.) listen with curiosity. Healthy communication is productive communication,
and the same principles that make healthy communication possible between
a husband and wife, parent and child, or employer and employee, are the
same principles that will help us communicate productively in our democratic
system and ultimately in the bigger picture of global politics.
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- I do not claim to be an expert on world affairs, but
I am by virtue of training and experience, an expert on communication.
From that perspective let's take a look at how each of these three simple
principles might be applied to the current circumstances in our nation
and in the world.
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- 1.) Slow down.
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- For years I have been telling couples I have worked with
in my therapy practice that these two words constitute the absolutely best,
most important communication advice: S-L-O-W D-O-W-N . It seems inherent
in our hurry-up culture that we habitually move through conversations like
we consume fast food.
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- My hope is that we can slow our own thinking down enough
to recognize the importance of being thorough with all that we have to
consider in the very complex circumstances in which we now find ourselves.
When something is as emotionally charged as our views on this war on terrorism,
we are in danger of rushing into decisions that are based more on those
charged emotions than on rational deliberation.
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- 2.) Take turns.
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- When I am working with a couple in therapy, once I can
get them to see the importance of slowing down, the next step is for them
to agree to respectfully take turns expressing themselves. Many attempts
at communication are doomed not because the parties involved lack the capacity
to express themselves or the ability to listen, but because they attempt
to address more than one agenda at a time.
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- As citizens of this nation we could contribute so much
more effectively to the problem solving needed if we could loosen our grip
on the single mindedness of just wanting everyone to hear what we have
to say. Maybe we could do something as radical as asking someone else what
they think. We become so desperate to have our point of view heard that
we lose touch with a basic sense of fair play, not to mention forgetting
that we may not always know everything there is to know.
-
- 3.) Listen with curiosity.
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- When we are desperate to have our point of view heard,
even when we appear to be allowing time for someone else to speak, we are
not really listening to them. Instead we are "making wise use of our
time" constructing our next rebuttal while the other person speaks.
I tell my clients that once we can slow down and once we can agree to take
turns, the next challenge is the toughest one of all: listening to each
other with curiosity.
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- To listen with curiosity is to put aside judgment of
what another person is saying, at least long enough to understand what
that person's point of view is. Listening with curiosity, which also means
that we don't assume that we always know what someone else is going to
say, is the best way I know to demonstrate respect for one another.
-
- Our minds slam shut refusing to even consider other viewpoints
because we are scared. We hate not knowing and not being sure, so our psychological
defense is to convince ourselves that we have some exclusive hold on some
ultimate truth. We need to be able to reassure ourselves --- and each other
--- that to open our minds and be genuinely curious about how someone else
perceives a situation does not mean that we have to abandon our own point
of view. As a sign on my office wall reads: "I respect your opinion
and I trust my judgment."
-
- My hope is that as citizens of this great nation we will
become so determined to practice these three simple principles of healthy
communication that we can become a sort of collective role model for our
elected officials who suffer from the same communication deficits that
we do.
-
- In the business of psychotherapy, what I am describing
is referred to as attending to process rather than content; it is analogous
to teaching someone to fish rather than giving them a fish. I tell my clients
that when they can learn the principles of effective communication and
when they become committed to practicing those principles in all of their
relationships, both personal and professional, there is nothing they will
not be able to talk about and ultimately no problem that cannot be solved.
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- I'm not an expert on world affairs, but I am pretty certain
that the same applies to our national discourse about the war on terrorism,
and ultimately to the dysfunctional relationships between nations throughout
this big wide world. ___
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- AUTHOR'S NOTE -- I am interested in exploring the principles
of individual, family and group psychotherapy to the broader context of
our world, socially and politically. As a psychotherapist and author I
want to contribute --- and encourage others in my field to contribute ---
to what I am thinking of as socially responsible self-help education. This
is material that challenges us not only to grow personally, but also to
apply our increasing maturity to becoming better citizens of the communities
in which we live, from the smallest village to the entire human species.
-
- If self-compassion, arguably the most important goal
of psychotherapy, does not lead to increased personal responsibility, I
would suggest that we have missed the point.
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- Thom Rutledge
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- ___
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- Thom Rutledge is the author of Embracing Fear and Finding
the Courage to Live Your Life (HarperSanFrancisco). He can be reached at
thomrutledge@earthlink.net, or visit his web site at webpowers.com/thomrutledge.
-
- (Please include at least the author's name and book title
when using this article. Thank you.)
-
- Contact info: You can contact Thom directly, or reach
his Harper Collins publicist, Liz Winer, at liz.winer@harpercollins.com
or 415-477-4404.
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