- Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
- Washington, D.C.
- Dear Sir:
- My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want
to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
- What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs
not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks,
but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly
not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
- As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be
in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
- My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future
of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got
your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
- If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about
$80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
- Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not
eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising
wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
- Also, I am considering the "not milking cows"
business, so send me any information you have on that too.
- In view of these circumstances, you understand that I
will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
- Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
- Patriotically Yours,
- Fred Schwartz
- P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese?