- Note - this welcome memo was sent to us by several sources.
- IMPORTANT NEW POLICY MEMO
- To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory From: Bill
Richardson, Secretary of Energy 7-13-00
- Dear staff members:
- Due to an unfortunate over-reaction by the Republican
Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced
to tighten up just a bit. Effective Monday:
- 1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer
disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be
left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It
will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience
to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
- 2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the
vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies,
that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
- 3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya,
North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the
hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be
required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello,
My Name Is . . . ." The stickers will be available at the front desk.
- 4. The computer network used for scientific calculations
will no longer be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com,
www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites
will be maintained, however.
- 5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level
5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work
by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
- 6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases
and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of
leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor,
has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
- 7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home
small amounts of plutonium, iridium, or uranium for use in those "little
weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who
are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
- 8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out
for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will
be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep
- 9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA
batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc
players during working hours.
- 10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all
employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no
longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking
- I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive
to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national
secrets that have been entrusted to our care. Remember: Security isn't
a part-time job - it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!
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