- The Tenor's A Jerk
Humour By Daniel Lawlor <mothert@banet.net
(Utility Tenor)
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- Scene in Ten Acts with a Prologue, and
(if Patience merits) an Epilogue:
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- The Tenor's a Jerk
- In most Opera works
- He screamingly sings in High "C"
- Serenading some girl
- He gets caught in the whirl
- And ends up: a "Once-Used-To-Be"
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- Just look at these guys
- Who Dumb or Un-Wise
- Clutch their Soprano to arms
- They scream and they rant
- And hike up their pants
- And yell out with noise and Alarums.
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- Act One: Carmen:
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- Just see Don Jose
- Who's held in the sway
- Of Carmen's decolletage
- His career he un-hands
- To join Gypsy bands
- And ends up a Killer-at-Large.
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- Act Two: Butterfly
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- And take Pinkerton
- Whose "Trouble"-some son
- Gets Butterfly deep in the soup
- He goes back once more
- To that Japanese shore
- To find her with wings dying-drooped.
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- Act Three:
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- And to his last breath
- Rhadames, true-to-death
- Should have made sweet Amneris his bride
- A throne if he wished
- In exchange for a kiss
- Yet entombed with Aida- He died!
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- Act Four- Boheme
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- Rodolfo-he writes
- And goes out late at night
- With consumptive sweet Mimi-his love
- Yet to part in the Spring
- They both joyously sing
- But she goes to the Angels above.
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- Act Five: Traviata
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- And Alfredo- For Shame!
- For not seeing "Boheme"
- Or you'd have known Violetta would die
- For that dry hacking cough
- Should have quick tipped you off
- From consumptive Tuberculars-to Fly!
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- Act Six: An Aside
- (Traviata's Alfredo together with Boheme's
Rodolfo)
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- I can just see these two
- They're both coughing with Flu
- In a Ward for Consumptive Old Men
- They're both dying to sing
- But their "C"'s lost its ping
- And their Passagio's loaded with Phlegm!
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- Act Seven: Rigoletto
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- All "La Donne" are fickle
- Sings the Duke-in a pickle
- While Gilda sets court tongues to wag
- 'Cause of dad Rigoletto
- Gets stuck with Stiletto
- And finally goes home in a bag.....(all
jerks are not tenors)
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- Act Eight: Tosca
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- Then Mario with his "Colouria"
- Paints Tosca - his Floria
- Then she stabs snide Scarpia to sleep
- She spots cross and candles
- At his feet and his ankles
- Gets Mario shot- then takes a leap!
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- Act Nine: Pagliacci
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- And Canio, the clown
- Lets his wife get him down
- Who with Silvio lasciviously sparked
- He cries out his "Vesti"
- 'Cause that made him testy
- And stabs the bitch deep in her heart!
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- Act Ten: Cavalleria Rusticana
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- Now Turiddu-the dope-
- Gives Santuzza no hope
- And sleeps with another man's wife
- Now-he knew she was wed
- But Mama's Wine went to his head
- So he got stabbed with Alfio's knife.
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- Epilogue
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- This moral I give
- In Recitative
- Is ne'er a Soprano to woo
- She's flighty or sick
- And she dies double-quick
- And in her demise, she takes you.
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- Or if you don't die
- There's a tear in your eye
- For that "Donna" you once held
so dear
- That "Prima" you chose
- Who was sweet as a Rose
- And you cry-'cause she's no longer here.
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- Reprise
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- The Tenor's a Jerk
- In most Opera Works
- He screamingly sings in High "C"
- Serenading some girl
- He gets caught in the whirl
- And sometimes that Tenor is Me........
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- Finis-
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- Curtain down only to rise again for:
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- The Tenor's A Jerk, Part II
- or:
- The Tenor is not alone
- or:
- Little known Jerks-from lesser known
works:
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- Samson
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- Take Samson so strong
- Who wows the crowd with his brawn
- While to Delilah-he's meek as a mouse
- He Hollers "No Fair"
- When she lops off his hair
- And then blindly he brings down the House.
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- Lohengrin
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- A Grail Knight of the Swan
- Champions Elsa of Brabant
- And the chorus sings "Here Comes
the Bride"
- He tells her: "For Shame"
- For asking his name
- And to Montsalvat homeward he glides.
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- Trovatore
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- To Manrico: "Life's a Bitch"
- Being raised by a witch
- While Azcucena dreams of mountains instead
- He saves her from burning
- Sings Leonora his yearning
- And in the end-he loses his head.
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- Faust
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- From a large sulphorous cloud
- Mephisto chortles out loud
- At old Faust who bargains for Youth
- He finds someone sweeter
- In fair Marguerite-r
- And vanishes at last in a "Poof".
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- Turandot
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- Turandot plays her game
- Of "What is His Name?"
- And threatens Calaf with demise
- He tries his three guesses
- And is answered with "Yesses"
- And she ends up by being his bride.......a
happy one finally.
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- The Flying Dutchman
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- The Dutchman finds Land
- Home of Captain Dalande
- And falls in love with Senta, his daughter.
- She takes on the role
- Of saving his soul
- And jumps in Ten Fathoms of water.
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- Lucia
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- Now Lucia goes mad
- Wearing gay Tartan Plaid
- While her brother espouses a mate
- Though in love with his foe
- Clan Ravenswood's Edgardo
- Death is her sad final fate.
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- Norma
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- The High Priestess of the Moon
- Faints away in a swoon
- When she finds Pollione untrue
- They both mount to the pyre
- And are consumed in the fire
- Leaving Adalgisa behind to "Boo-Hoo".
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- Gioconda
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- Now Gioconda-she smiles
- And fends off the wiles
- Of Barnaba-while on Cieca she dotes
- Though her Enzo loves Laura
- She saves him just for her
- And stabs herself.....and that's all
she wrote!
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- Jeff...As you can see by some of the
preceding, Opera is peopled with improbable scenarios, plots, turnings
and endings. But, without them, where would Opera be?
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- It is an impossible, improbable art form
that has survived for over 200 years, and, I hope, will survive another
200....On With the Show... Send in the Clowns...etc, etc, etc.
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- Hope you enjoy
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- Dan Lawlor in Delmar
(Utility Tenor)
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