- If there is a malapropism hall of fame, I nominate my
wife for a lifetime achievement award.
-
- My wife - God Bless her, if he can understand her - is
standing over my shoulder as I write this making sure I convey the events
herein as accurately as 'her words' will allow. We are both mature adults
and this exercise will not threaten us in any way.
-
- We've all done it - used the wrong word in a sentence
while trying to communicate an idea or a story. Most folks smile politely
and will not go to any great lengths to correct you thus protecting your
feelings. Generally, when these unfortunate situations occur, people understand
what you are trying to say. In other cases, the team who broke the enigma-machine
code would be left befuddled.
-
- My sister, a nurse, had arrived at our home to view my
first-born, Tyler. Steeped in the medical culture, and innocently wanting
the best for her new nephew, my sister asked, "Theresa, will you be
having Tyler circumcised?"
-
- My wife looked at my sister askance and said wryly, "Nora,
we are not Catholic."
-
- My sister, a woman given to explosive bouts of laughter,
was trying valiantly to contain herself. A small tear pressing from the
corner of Nora's eye was the only indication that she was on the verge
of such an outburst.
-
- My wife then added compassionately, "I don't have
the heart to get his foresight cut off." Of course, this statement
was more than Nora could bear and she reeled with uproarious laughter while
collapsing in a chair.
-
- The day moved on filled with the joy of feeding Tyler
and tending to his needs. At one point Theresa handed blanket-bundled-Tyler
to my sister. A corner of the blanket fell over Tyler's face and Theresa
suggested that it be removed while commenting, "Oh, pull that back.
We don't want him to smuthercate." Nora immediately handed Tyler back
to Theresa as volcanic laughter drained Nora's ability to remain securely
standing.
-
- This day, Theresa had signed up for college and came
home to share her day with me.
-
- "Well, I'm all signed up and I am taking the acceloratin'
course."
-
- "What course?" I asked.
-
- "You know, the fast one - the accel-or-atin' course."
-
- "You mean the accelerated course of study."
I corrected.
-
- "Yes, that's what I said. Oh, and by the way, when
I was coming home the tail-pump fell off the car."
-
- I gave up at that point saying, "Well, we will just
have to have that pump put back on. There are several tail-pump places
in town."
-
- "What's that, honey?"
-
- Hm, I have just been given permission to stay in the
garage all night.
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