- It was late at night, and they were in the kitchen, at
each other once again.
-
- I hated my mother for taunting my father, and hated him
more whenever he'd slap her to the floor.
-
- In my mind, he was again slapping her in the kitchen,
while I tried to sleep. Did he feel he was being gentlemanly by not hitting
her with a closed fist? Was my mother playing the role of a martyr? Did
she choose to suffer physical abuse, rather than to placate a drunk, who
predictably behaved like a lunatic whenever he drank?
-
- My younger sister would always disappear or pretend to
be asleep whenever our parents fought. She actually had little to fear,
as I cannot remember my father ever laying a hand on her; it was always
me and my mother he bruised. She slept in a bed opposite mine, in
our small and unadorned room, without a single picture anywhere in the
room. It was a small room totally without any embellishment; but rather
than being simple, genuine, or pure, it was ugly, hot, and depressing,
and never an oasis from the constant upsets that characterized our entire
household.
-
- And as the kitchen beating moved closer to my hot and
claustrophobic room, I wished I had a different father, a different mother;
and, I wished I was different myself. I was small, weak, and cowardly,
and hated my mother for not keeping her mouth shut, causing me to feel
too ignobly frightened to defend her against my sociopathic father, the
man I longed for her to divorce. But as I rolled onto my side, and pulled
my sweat-soaked sheet to my chin, I hated myself more than my parents.
-
- Then it happened. Someone came into my room. It was my
mother. She got into my bed and under my sheet. She was hugging me. Why?
Was I to protect her? Did she really believe I could protect her?
-
- Then, the lights came on, carrying my father to my bed.
He tore off the sheet covering me and my mother; and then proceeded in
ripping my mother's night clothes off her body until she was naked. My
mother hugged me tightly, with my boxer shorts the only thing between us.
-
- I closed my eyes, praying my father would leave us, which
he must have done, as the next thing I can recall was my mother whispering
to me. Oddly, she told me that she was proud of me as I was a born leader,
who currently led my little friends, but would one day be a leader of men.
I became confused as I had never considered myself as a leader. A coward
yes, but not a leader.
-
- As my mother whispered to me, I remembered the afternoon
when my next door friend "Junior," had gotten riled with me and
chased me down the street in front of my house; but, I was faster than
Junior and escaped into what I thought would be the safety of my home,
only to be confronted by my father.
-
- My father took off his belt and began beating me with
it, telling me I had to fight Junior. Finally, he stopped swinging his
belt, telling me to go or he'd beat me again. Knowing he could hurt me
far worse than Junior could, I flew out of my back door, running across
a vacant lot that separated our two homes.
-
- Junior was on his knees, in his back yard, playing with
something on the ground; but, suddenly he looked up to see me running straight
for him. I hit Junior flush in the face as I ran past him, then circled
back to deliver more of his"deserved" blows. Soon, I was on top
of Junior punching him with both fists, as he screamed in fright, and my
father yelled commands to "hit him again."
-
- Junior's mother rushed out of her back door, crying in
horror.
-
- Then my father began yelling, "Stop it, stop it
Jack," as he yanked me off of Junior and pulled me back home.
-
- Maybe I could be a leader, I thought as my mother talked
us both to sleep.
-
- Unknown to me at that time, was my hate for myself, mother,
and father was fueled by the fear I had for my father. My father was a
volatile parent and husband. Otherwise, he maintained a pleasant enough
disposition with all others. But how my mother and I could throw my father
into such rages - even when he was sober - is still a mystery to me.
-
- Trembling with anger from some unknown source, my father
would often rush me into the bathroom, where he would take off his belt
and beat my legs with it. Unfortunately, I often wore short pants, which
I was forbidden to wear to school due to the bruises my father would leave
on my legs.
-
- But much as my father's belt-beatings scared me, it was
his fists that I most feared. On some occasions, when drunk, my father
preferred to intimidate me rather than beat me. He'd tremble with anger
and shake his fist under my nose, yelling, "You see it? You smell
it? You want to feel it?"
-
- "No sir," was my usual snap answer, even though
I was always appalled by his lack of creativity with words or his intolerance
for words from others.
-
- "And don't you f---ing ever do it again, he'd say."
-
- "No sir, I won't," I would respond, never knowing
what I had done to provoke him.
-
- After each beating my father gave me, he would force
me to hug him and say, "I love you."
-
- If I faltered on the hug or my "I love you"
words, he'd threaten me with another beating. Of course, being the pragmatic
little coward that I thought myself to be, I quickly gave in. And in time,
this sort of enforced affinity, coupled with pain and the threat of more
pain, produced a kind of cognitive dissonance within me that channeled
hate, borne from fear, into unsuspected areas.
-
- It is said that there are only two basic human emotions:
Love and fear, and that all other emotions are direct or indirect branches
of our two basic emotions. If this is true, then certainly hate is born
from fear. But to mix real fear with an artificial kind of love, as my
father attempted with me, can produce, I believe, a sort of direction in
life that will be fraught with failure.
-
- My father believed my only hope of success in life, or
because of his own ego, was for me to become a professional baseball player.
So I began to play baseball with some energy and enthusiasm to please him;
but, I also played with an indifference to get even with him. And that
indifference cost me my two front teeth, when a ground ball hit me in my
mouth. Moreover, I lacked the will to learn how to hit a curve ball.
-
- Then I opted for football, and being a football star
for the Florida Gators would certainly please my father. I still remember
the mandatory phone calls I had to make every Sunday evening to my father,
to report on my football progress. And, I also remember the pleasure it
gave me to always report that I had not yet made it any further than the
"scout team."
-
- My next attempt to please my father, while in college,
came from the Army ROTC. The Viet Nam war was heating up at that time,
so I decided to become a war hero. And I began by becoming the Cadet Commander
of the entire ROTC unit. And for good measure, I became the president of
the military honorary society, Scabbard and Blade. I was about to please
not only my father, but my mother as well, as a leader of men. But, my
Guardian Angels had different ideas.
-
- Before I graduated and received my commission, the local
police intervened. The Gainesville police reported all my police arrests
of fighting and public drunkenness to the ROTC authorities, and I was kicked
out of the ROTC program. Success, followed by failure, was becoming a pattern
in my life, which I am sure was enforced by my Methodist upbringing.
-
- You see, my father was a Christian, who forced me and
my sister to go to Sunday School and church. It was there that I learned
about a wrathful God who could not only beat me with a belt, but throw
me into Hell's fires forever; but still, I was required to love him. It
was all beginning to sound much like the love-hate relationship I had with
my father, but it took me years to actually really see the parallels.
-
- In time, I learned that Moslems and Jews, also, had wrathful
Gods, they were required to love. Could it be that Christians, Moslems,
and Jews were all being reared as if they all had had abusive fathers as
I had? Could there be some massive Con (spiracy) afoot?
-
- I have come to believe that Jesus was an advanced spiritual
being sent to Earth to awaken and enlighten us, but believe the same for
Buddha. And that there could be no way that either Jesus or Buddha would
condone the wars perpetrated by Christians, Jews, and Moslems, unless their
religious texts and teachings were altered by a power structure that purposely
set up wrathful Gods we are to love.
-
- It has been a perfect set up to ensure endless fear,
with hate and wars as its by-products.
-
- Thanks to the love-hate I had for my father, I would
have never succeeded in life, until I had caught on to the trap I was in.
-
- Mankind will never exist in a peaceful harmonious state,
until Christians, Jews, and Moslems stop inventing "rational"
reasons for fear and the resultant wars and conflicts, promoted by their
governments, and transmitted by the controlled, corporate media.
-
- Love is man's truly natural emotion, while fear is artificially
imposed, usually for self-serving reasons.
-
- Jesus told us to love and forgive our enemies, and I
know that's difficult to do.
-
- When on his death-bed, my father tried to apologize to
me for his misdeeds. But never having forgiven myself for my cowardice
and self-hate, how could I forgive him? I dismissed my father's plea with,
"Don't worry about it." And those were the last words I remember
ever speaking to my father.
-
- Today, I forgive myself. And Daddy, I forgive you.
-
- J. Speer-Williams
-
- jsw4@mac.com
-
-
- Comment
Alton Raines
4-11-10
-
- There are consequences for our actions in this life,
why should it be any different with God? Now an earthly father, a fallible
creature, may or may not dispense proper or appropriate punishment, and
that, like all things under chaos, under sin, will also come into judgement.
But that judgement will be by Almighty God who is omnipotent, omniscient,
omnipresent and infallible, perfect and holy. What possible worry could
anyone have over the judgement of God if one has a contrite heart about
wrong doings? Yes, when an earthly father disciplines or chastizes, it
can be a dreadful thing, knowing he is a fallible judge. Nonetheless, apart
from literal abuse, I believe it is a healthy and good thing resulting
in proven moral character.
-
- As the writer of the Book of Hebrews says, "My son,
do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline
of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved
or corrected by Him;
-
- For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He
loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes
to His heart and cherishes.
-
- You must submit to and endure [correction] for discipline;
God is dealing with you as with sons. For what son is there whom his father
does not [thus] train and correct and discipline?
-
- Now if you are exempt from correction and left without
discipline in which all [of God's children] share, then you are illegitimate
offspring and not true sons [at all].
-
- Moreover, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined
us and we yielded [to them] and respected [them for training us]. Shall
we not much more cheerfully submit to the Father of spirits and so [truly]
live?
-
- For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for only a short
period of time and chastised us as seemed proper and good to them; but
God disciplines us for our certain good, that we may become sharers in
His own holiness.
-
- At the time such discipline does not bring joy, but seems
grievous and painful; but afterwards it yields a peaceable fruit of righteousness
to those who have been trained by it [a harvest of fruit which consists
in righteousness--in conformity to God's will in purpose, thought, and
action, resulting in right living and right standing with God]." (Heb.
12:5-11)
-
- It's unfortunate if anyone is raised with improper discipline,
and confused as you apparently were. Many of us were not. I was not confused
at all when I was chastised and knew exactly why it was happening -- and
deserved it. And I loved my parents for it, and as I grew older and wiser,
understood. It is equally unforunate if someone is raised to fear a trap-door
God who could cast them into hell. God's wrath is toward the willfully
evil, not the ignorant (Romans 2:11-16). "God is love," Jesus
taught. He did not teach that love is God, however. An important distinction.
In this world we have rules, and courts, and judgement and punishment.
It is the same with God's Kingdom, only His has something ours rarely sees:
forgiveness.
|
