- On behalf of the American people, today I step forward
and extend my thanks to you. During your two terms in office, you've worked
very hard to help the average American's life. I'd like to take a moment
or two and specifically thank you for the following:
- * The stress of going to work for millions of Americans
has been greatly relieved by your diligent efforts by sending all those
terrible sources of income toChina.
- * Now that we have Homeland Security we can all sleep
better knowing that when the doors of our homes are kicked in at night,
it will be only for our protection and our own good. We trust you implicitly
to do the right thing.
- * Millions of Americans, who have been stressed out for
years by living the American Dream of owning a home, will no longer have
these worries. Living in a car or RV is so much simpler, and far more comfortable.
- * The mice, ants, roaches and other pests brought on
by having food in American cupboards and pantries has finally been brought
under control. The New America you've given us has made that happen, by
emptying pantries and cupboards all across America. Companies like
D-Con, Rent-A-Kill and Orkin may have their very existence in peril with
the lack of food.
- * Your 100 year war you have bestowed upon the American
people and indeed, all of the western world to fight terrorism will provide
jobs for all. All those children from your wonderful "No Child Left
Behind" public school policy that are now graduating from high schools
everywhere are unfit for college. But they will find food, shelter, training
and employment under the loving organization of Homeland Security.
- * You have shown us you must be a God, for you could
see the first plane crashing into the World Trade Center which
was never televised. You were so humble that you didn't want to admit you
could see it without the aid of television, so you stated you saw it on
- * We all thank you for your gift of the Patriot Act.
Since the 1200+ page document was all ready to sign the same week as 9-11,
clearly you have the gift of foresight and had it all ready ahead of time.
You saw that terrible evil coming on 9-11, but you didn't stop it because
all those deaths were good forAmerica.
- * Your quiet, diligent work to take down America's borders
by leaving them effectively undefended to allow millions of illegal aliens
to enter America and burden her down in her time of need, is a love for
America beyond compare.
- * We all understand even another way you show us love,
by the special protections you give to corporations like Blackwater that
help destroy America's reputation. We realize that it's for our own good.
- * We're all so sorry that those six nuclear weapons that
reached Barksdale, Louisiana last year (the logistics staging
airbase for the mid-east war) were stopped by those annoying patriotic
Americans. They should have been allowed to proceed to destroy Iran and
officially start WW3. After all, you know what's best for America.
- * All Americans everywhere want to join together and
thank you for the highest fuel prices in the history of the planet. It
took you considerable hard work and the courage to give away all the Iraqi
oil to foreign corporations that many thousands of American soldiers died
for, to make this gift become a reality. Because of this wonderful gift,
millions of Americans will no be troubled by making vacation plans. And
they will not have to endure all that stress relief that goes with a nice
- * We all want to extend a special thank you for staging
not one war, but two wars without any means to pay for them. Foolish people
on Capitol Hill during WW2 wasted so much time selling war bonds to pay
for that war. Perhaps by the end of 2008, you can get a third front started
for us to enjoy with no possible way to pay for it.
- * Millions of homeowners everywhere are so grateful that
you have pulled funding from minor projects like rebuilding America's
aging infrastructure. Cities and towns everywhere have created tremendous
tax increases, and homeowners everywhere are so happy about it they have
used garage and yard sales to display and celebrate their gratitude for
taxes they cannot afford.
- * We're all grateful for you not working too hard to
find your arch enemy and supposed architect of 9-11, Bin Laden. We understand
your need for him, and that finding him would end all justification for
the mid-east conflict. No one wants to let the air out of your war tires.
- * There all are those careers you've so graciously destroyed
in the military to protect yourself. These patriotic men and women have
no business upholding the Constitution like they have, despite their oath
when each was sworn in at the induction center. Their allegiance must be
to you, not the Constitution. You have stated to us that the Constitution
is "just a God-Da..d piece of paper" and this is how we know
that you are where everyone's faith must be centered.
- * Surely there are many more gifts you've given America,
and we're terribly sorry if we have omitted them. And we're all sure, that
the coming atrocities you'll bestow upon us and the world before you leave
office will be for the good of America, and the entire world.
- In closing, I'd like to say that destroying America with
a carefully crafted plan is a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. Certainly,
you make Mike Rowe proud. But I don't think he'd be able to do your dirty
job in a short segment on his cable show, "Dirty Jobs."
- Ted Twietmeyer