- Even Bush's crap is classified top secret.
According to our Austrian sources, Austrian newspapers are currently abuzz
with special security details of George W. Bush's recent trip to Vienna.
Although the heavy-handed Gestapo-like security measures meted out to Viennese
home owners, business proprietors, and pedestrians by US Secret Service
agents and local police before and during Bush's visit received widespread
Austrian media attention, it was White House "toilet security"
("TOILSEC"), which has Austrians talking the most.
- The White House flew in a special portable
toilet to Vienna for Bush's personal use during his visit. The Bush White
House is so concerned about Bush's security, the veil of secrecy extends
over the president's bodily excretions. The special port-a-john captured
Bush's feces and urine and flew the waste material back to the United States
in the event some enterprising foreign intelligence agency conducted a
sewage pipe operation designed to trap and examine Bush's waste material.
One can only wonder why the White House is taking such extraordinary security
measures for the presidential poop.
- In the past, similar operations were
conducted against foreign leaders to determine their medical condition.
However, these intelligence operations were directed against dictators
in countries where even the medical conditions of the top political leaders
were considered "state secrets."
- The Israeli Mossad conducted one such
operation against Syrian President Hafez Assad when he visited Amman, Jordan
in Feb. 1999 for the funeral of King Hussein. The Mossad and its Jordanian
counterpart installed a special toilet in Assad's hotel room that led not
to a pipe but to a specimen canister. Assad suffered from diabetes and
cancer and the operation was designed to discover the actual medical condition
of the ailing leader.
- During Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev's
visit to Washington in 1987, the CIA reportedly placed a special trap under
a sewage tank to collect the Soviet leader's bodily waste for analysis.
- More recently, the CIA was reported to
have collected waste samples from Ugandan President-dictator Yoweri Museveni's
toilet when he visited Washington.
- Even Bush's toilet paper was flown in
from the U.S. Air Base at Ramstein, Germany. In addition, Bush's food was
flown in from the United States and tested with special chemicals before
he ate it. Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu, who was shot by a firing
squad in 1989, was the last major European leader to constantly use a food
tester. The last frequent state visitor to Vienna, who always relied on
a food tester, was Adolf Hitler.