- The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada Has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
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- The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus
among Left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt,
pray and agree with Bill O' Reilly.
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- Canadian border farmers say its not uncommon to see dozens
of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night.
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- I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there
was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer
Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance
to show him my screenplay, eh?"
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- In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
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- Not real effective," he said. The liberals still
got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
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- Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers
who meet liberals Near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
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- A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,"
an Ontario border patrolman said. I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
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- When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
border, often Wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.
Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer
and watch NASCAR.
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- In the days since the election, liberals have turned
to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.
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- Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips
to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young
vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began
stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
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- If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence
Welk Show, We get suspicious about their age," an official said.
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- Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants
are Creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies.
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- I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just cant support them," an Ottawa resident said. How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
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- In an effort to ease tensions between the United States
and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador
and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals,
a source close to Cheney said.
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- We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts.
And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president
is determined to reach out."
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