- Stow the rhetoric. Enough from the talking heads. It's
time to put democracy in play and elect the next leader of the free
world.
-
- But what if George Bush and John Kerry don't necessarily
represent you? What if the traditional "third-party" types like
the Greens, Libertarians, Socialists and Ralph Nader don't get it either?
You watched all three presidential debates, only to find no one presented
clear plans to deal with Martians and the people infesting the Earth's
core.
-
- Maybe the best way to get rid of all this special
interest
paranoia would simply be to elect an emperor with a 10-year term. Long
to return to the Victorian era? In that case, there really are candidates
who believe in the same things as you.
-
- Though most of these third- (fourth-, fifth- and 15th-)
party candidates won't actually be on your ballot today, these people are
real, at least according to Web sites such as politics1.com,
americanmuslimvoters.com
and others. Some of the choices:
-
- Name: Lawrence Rey Topham.
-
- Party: Independent.
-
- Qualifications: His Web site claims the 68-year-old Utah
retiree is currently the "secretary of State of the State of Utah
and acting Governor during martial law." This is, most likely, news
to Utah's real governor and secretary of state.
-
- Platform: Wants U.S. on gold standard and refuses to
recognize the validity of Federal Reserve Notes, which we call
"money"
around these parts. Says anyone working to elect "unauthorized"
candidates (decided by Topham) is trying to overthrow the Utah
government.
-
- Why this person would make a fantastic president: Was
allegedly once arrested in the Utah capitol after midnight, telling an
officer he was the secretary of state and was there to seize the
capitol.
-
- Why electing this person would mean the end of
civilization:
Favorite food is "wheat."
-
- Learn more: www.tophamforpresident.bravehost.com.
-
- Name: Jack Grimes.
-
- Party: United Fascist Union.
-
- Qualifications: We'll get back to you.
-
- Platform: Would install a worldwide order based on
Roman-style
military dictatorship. Believes aliens had diplomatic exchanges with both
U.S. and Germany during World War II, some of which was brokered by cavern
dwellers living in the Earth's core. Citing Nostradamus, predicts U.S.
will shrink to a small triangular land mass through loss of coastal states.
Encourages followers to worship Satan. Go figure.
-
- Why this person would make a fantastic president: Just
guessing here, but since Grimes advocates maiming and crucifying criminals,
crime would drop fairly dramatically.
-
- Why electing this person would mean the end of
civilization:
Once missed a campaign event because his mom's car broke down.
-
- Learn more: www.ufu.gq.nu.
-
- Name: Thomas Wells.
-
- Party: Family Values Party.
-
- Qualifications: Previous runs for Congress and White
House. May have weighty endorsement of higher power as he claims God
commanded
him to form a political party in his bedroom at 2 a.m. Dec. 25,
1994.
-
- Platform: Would ban all abortions and opposes
homosexuality,
tobacco, tattoos, alcohol, drugs and gambling.
-
- Why this person would make a fantastic president: Would
nullify political power of big tobacco and alcohol producers.
-
- Why electing this person would mean the end of
civilization:
Wouldn't exactly embrace that whole separation of church and state thing.
And banning tattoos is just crazy talk.
-
- Learn more: http://members.aol.com/fvparty.
-
- Name: A.J. "Victor" Albritton.
-
- Party: American Republican Party.
-
- Qualifications: Previous runs for Congress, governor
of Alabama and president.
-
- Platform: Describes himself as "The American
candidate
who is also the Victorian candidate. The Victorian Era to be the New Model
Victorian Era -- from the male point of view." Right. Also promises
a "new model Star Spangled Banner" and will relocate the Federal
Capitol. We'd suggest Concord.
-
- Why this person would make a fantastic president:
Riveting
fashion.
-
- Why electing this person would mean the end of
civilization:
Nobody messes with Francis Scott Key.
-
- Learn more: This could be tough, as the candidate doesn't
seem to have a Web page.
-
- Name: Da Vid.
-
- Party: Light Party.
-
- Qualifications: Physician, artist, writer.
-
- Platform: Health, peace and freedom for all. Wants to
promote holistic medicine, national health insurance, organic foods, solar
energy, nuclear disarmament and a flat tax. Wants to build a Global Peace
Center on Alcatraz, according to FHM magazine, which specializes in how
federal policies affect half-naked women.
-
- Why this person would make a fantastic president: Less
road rage. And for $33, Da Vid will send you a CD and video of new age
music.
-
- Why electing this person would mean the end of
civilization:
While we relax, those commie tanks waiting at the Mexican border since
1959 will roll over the border. Oh, sorry, that was from someone else's
"third-party" agenda.
-
- Learn more: www.lightparty.com.
-
- BEST OF THE REST:
-
- * Sterling D. Allen: Founded Providential Party, wants
to establish theocracy called "Zion" and says his candidacy was
"foretold in Alphabetics Bible Code." Says his election is
critical
to avoiding World War III and sells survivalist gear online
(www.allan2004.com).
-
- * Darren Karr: Founder of Party X, stands for four-day
workweek, no federal involvement in schools and is on-record as saying
he'd release all government UFO information
(www.darrenforpresident.com).
-
- * John Joseph Kennedy: Claims to be distant cousin of
JFK. Champions children's rights and says Bush caused 9/11, hurricanes
and other natural disasters ... either Bush or that fiendish Heat Miser
(www.johnjosephkennedy.com).
-
- * Muadin: New age candidate. Would ban political parties,
require Congress to vote based on E-votes from constituents, and supports
18 Constitutional amendments. But best of all, he uses one name, like
Charo.
-
- * Kurt Weber-Heller: Would eliminate the IRS and the
United Nations, and would claim the moon as a U.S. territory, with work
to follow on a permanent moon base (www.falangist.com/Kurt.htm).
-
- * His Royal Majesty Caesar Augustine De Buonaparte:
Despite
officially running for president in 2004, the Los Angeles resident claims
he became Emperor in 1996 when President Clinton didn't respond to his
letter declaring war on the United States. Apparently the U.S. conceded
defeat. No official contact info is available, though a routine search
on the Internet turns up lots of information on His Majesty.
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