- What follows is a superb example of British humour in
A LETTER THAT WAS TRULY WRITTEN AND SENT. The piece suggests two things:
(1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service
from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator
in Britain); (2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
-
-
- Dear Cretins:
-
- I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when
I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone,
and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered
inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as
well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow
me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional
prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or, more likely (I
suspect), so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you
while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on
the bog in your office. My initial installation was cancelled without warning,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting
for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.
-
- HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar
and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two
weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital
tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable
modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my
modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it - and begun to pay for
it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% - the hours
between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine
calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred
to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly-skilled
bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available
(and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone
who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut
off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to
an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish
robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
-
- Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you
have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care. It´s far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was shit;
that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations;
and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful
or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That´s
why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn´t anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction
and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You
are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest
order. BT - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success
in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
-
- Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile
and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest
that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable Disappointment if you did not experience
both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment
of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day.
May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent
and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits. May you rot in Hell, Robert
xxxxx.
-
-
- http://www.godlikeproductions.com/bbs/message.php?message=
175992&mpage=1&topic=3&showweek=10/13/2003
|
