- El Paso, Texas (SatireWire.com)
- Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for
the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing
the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
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- "They came into my home, made me pay for my own
TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces,
just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my daughters."
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- Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives
were first spotted last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado,
where they bought each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against
pension fund gains. By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily
inflated Quemado's population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit
for the fiscal second quarter.
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- This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred
its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
California for $4.5 billion.
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- Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders
riding posse were noticeably frustrated. "First of all, they're very
hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers, and the numbers
keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every
time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to
investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
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- "YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
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- The pursuers said they have had some success, however,
by preying on a common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about
24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor,"
said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths
to a flame."
- Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening
devices to scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most
of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails,"
said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was
totally out of the loop on that.'"
- Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method
were Computer Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's
Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen,
and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and
Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they
have already been indicted.
-
- So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured,
including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had
cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway
375.
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- "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping
motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible
snowman place settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms,"
said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No.
7, because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."
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- While some stragglers are believed to have successfully
crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed
themselves up at the Alamo.
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- "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport,"
she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting
for each change as a sale."
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